I sent myself home from work (actually my boss caught me walking down the hallway towards the bathroom weeping and pulled me aside). She was very understanding and she actually gave me permission to go home because I am worthless today at anything. I can't concentrate. I can't laugh (well, I did sort of half-laugh at Get Fuzzy) it hurts to smile (jesus, is there a Sylvia Plath Suicide Fanclub..I'm being so pathetic!). Ever since I got on the bus last night I can't stop crying. This happens to me about once or twice a year. My mini breakdown. Unfortunately, every boss I've ever worked for has had to deal with me and my mini-breakdown cuz I always end up going to work and then freaking out in public. I am so embarrassed when I cry at work, on the bus, on the street, in the drugstore, etc. but once this faucet of mine gets turned on it just stays on for awhile no matter what I am doing or where I am at. ARGH! I have a neighbor who has massive woofers or tweeters or something on his fucking stereo and in my apartment now I hear a maddening, rhythmic Boom-Boom-Boom. Just like those jackasses that drive around in their SUVs and you can hear their megabass like 6 blocks away. I feel like screaming at this motherfucker neighbor to turn his shit DOWN! But I like to be a good neighbor, so that if we make too much noise he won't complain about us. Neighbor Karma works like that. Everyone tolerates each other (and just bitches under their breath) and everyone gets along. If only the rest of the world would realize this concept. Hello, Israel and Palestine. Well, ok..their arguments are a little deeper than "Turn the Fucking Bass down, dude!" granted. I did something really stupid last night. In the midst of my drunken depression (I wasn't drunk, but I was so low that I was feeling completely out of control) I emailed an old boyfriend (who I've suspected for many years now was my one and only TRUE LOVE..that one that got away..the thing I shouldn't have fucked up) confessing that I will never love anyone again the way I did him, and blah blah blah (and he is happily married with a child and is a professional journalist in Prague..living the European life...not thinking much about stupid old me, I'm sure except in a "old friend" way)..What the hell was I thinking? Some things are better left unsaid. I sent him another email today apologizing and asking him to forget that email ever existed. Hopefully he just thinks I'm insane and can laugh it off. Oh well. On the bus ride home I had tons of really bad/adolescent-ish, depressing rhyming poetry lines going through my head so I'm gonna go write them down in a journal where noone will ever see how god damn awful and derivative of Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath they are. My old habits and obsessions never really have died, I was just fooling myself. Once a depressive/repressive death rocker, always one. Oh, one positive note to brighten my day (and yours as well). I got tickets for Jason and I to go see Arthur Lee/Love play at EMP in a week or so. I am so excited. I will want to kiss the man and give him flowers. He is the best lyricist of his generation, and I hear that the current tour really rocks the way it probably did in 1966 (when I was not even born). I can't wait. Arthur Lee is Free (sorry to rip off The Make-Up!) and I'm there!! Oh yea! Oh, I forgot. I dreamed last night that my mother died. She had contracted pneumonia and she just stopped breathing and died. I was hysterical. This probably comes from watching a documentary on the Bronte sisters and 2 of them die from TB. What is happening to me? I'm reverting back to my 18 year old self in every way possible. I might as well go dye my hair black and listen to Joy Division all day and night.

do the jerk * do the frug