Night of the living...white trash. I just ate sloppy joes, tater tots and my dessert was a Lil' Debbie Fudge Brownie. Where is my trailer? Where is my PBR? Ok, stereotyping might be immature and meaningless, but shit, everyone has to do it at some point. I can't think of any more white trash than what I just ate, and to top it off I was listening to this local bands' new album (The Gloryholes)..album Title: Knock You up..on the cover is a black-n-white photo of three hard-livin', chain-smoking, beer guzzling pregnant women..now THAT is so white trash!! Ok, enough of my judgements!! Jason and I have been so distant from each other lately, it hardly feels like I we even know each other, let alone are married. I hate this. I don't know how to put the spark back in our marriage. Maybe its nothing but charcoal that was going strong once upon a time, but now it feels like it is a pile of ashes that will never be able to re-ignited. I'm sick of thinking about this. I'm sick of not having an sexual desire. I'm sick of feeling guilty about not having any sexual desire. Some people say "Oh, just do it to make him happy." Well, I can't fucking do that. If I were to have sex with someone, out of obligation, I'd feel like I was being assaulted in some subtle way. I just can't abide by that "please your man because you love him" bullshit. If I'm not in the mood..I AIN"T IN THE MOOD! I DO feel guilty, though. I know a healthy sex life is important in ANY relationship. I really wish I could run off and join a Buddhist monastery..I really do. I just want to escape people, money, obligations, sex and everything else. I don't have the balls or discipline to do it though and I'm lazy..utterly lazy about meditation, my spirituality, etc. My intentions are good, but sometimes they are all just thoughts and no action..blah blah. ANyways..I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. Its gotta change and I wish it would without me actively changing it, but that is just ridiculous..being happy and meeting goals and desires takes work. I realize it doesn't just fall out of the sky into your lap but how I wish it would. I wish some god damn MIRACLE would happen to me or something..something extraordinary because my life is SO MUNDANE! ARGH! Well, at least I started my "exercise" program today. I want to firm up my flab and lose 10 pounds. I am proud of myself. I exercised (danced and did sit-ups etc.) for 40 minutes. If I can do that 4 times a week I should see some results. Then maybe I'd feel more attractive in my body, without my clothes and I'd actually want to have SEX!! We'll see. I'm going to put a smiley face on my calendar for every day I exercise and I am rewarding myself by eating a Lil' Debbie Brownie..he he. Right now I'm listening to Les Savy Fav. They definetly remind me of At the Drive-In and other such bands who are all obviously Sonic Youth fans. Some of this even reminds me eerily of really early U2 (must be some of the guitar effects)...really beautiful, hypnotic and yet jarring at some points. Damn, I should write music reviews! I'm off to waste time in the surveys' section. I love taking those damn things. I really am more self-absorbed than I give myself credit for!! Whoo-hoo!!

do the jerk * do the frug