Oh..klonopin, klonopin...It really makes me get creative urges. I must now write about past loves (maybe I am just copying Tap's diary..she has been talking about sex alot recently)..but anyways..I went to Wendys (I love me some fat, salt, and grease...all my old friends know I love Wendys!!) and while putting pepper on my fries I thought of that Morphine song "French Fries with Pepper..oooooohhoohh..French Fries with Pepper" and it was just so Fucking PERFECT at this moment. So, I remembered that first person that introduced me to the art of pepper on fries was Jon B. At Wendy's none the less and I've been stuck on that forever! Jon B., back in 1988 I would hang out w/my goth friends Jill and Gigi at the Monroe St. house (mustard colored old Amytiville Horror style house)..spooky...creepy...drunken parties...convincing drunken frat boys that would show up at our parties late at night that I was a drag queen called "Stan the Man" the frat boys would always try to feel my ass to see if I was lying..I was always kicking them away with my witchy shoes and trying to keep my short skirts and ripped fishnets in proper order. It was a blast. Jon B. was one of a group of "shy guys" that were little 60's garage rocker wannabes and one of his friends, Jay, lived in the Monroe St. House. Jill and Gigi and I all called this group of guys (who were in a garage rock band Thee Vyllns (can't remember if I spelled that right..anyways it was some variation of Villain. We called these guys the "Sad Flannel Foursome" cuz they had shaggy hair, slumped, no self-esteem, wore flannel shirts to keep their incredibly skinny bodies warm and they didn't smile much and they were so adorably shy and wouldn't look a girl in the Eye. Anyways, all three of us had a crush on Jon B., the shyest and saddest of them all...I eventually kinda befriended him. We would sit outside the Dairy Queen and argue about which Velvet Underground record we thought was the masterpiece. I wanted to kiss him so bad with ice cream in my mouth. One night when we were at his house or I ran into him at a party or something from those college days, I was bold and I said "Hey Jon, Let's hang out." and when he asked me where I wanted to go I said "the graveyard" (Yep..I was still a little deathrocker to a degree) and we went to my favorite graveyard which was next to a sign that said "Starvation Acres" (which Was a terrible trailer park, if I correctly recall) and I loved this cemetery because it was up on a hill and full of trees and a very tiny, and old graveyard..and you could see the lights of Carbondale from up there (Jill and I used to have picnics during sunny days up there..talk about GOTH..jesus! We didn't call it GOTH back then..I don't know who called it that...not me!)..but anyways...I took Jon up there with the intention of screwing him and we were sitting next to a tree and we started kissing and fondling and suddenly he was like "you know..I really like you, but I just wanna make sure that by us doing this we aren't gonna fuck up our friendshipo" and I understood his point..but damn it...that was no time for chivalry or whatever you'd call it.

We had great sex. We had drunken sex...we had "I'm trying to sleep in my bed, he comes in "walking black-out" drunk and pulls my pants off but I'm kinda enjoying it" sex...I remember once when I was really hungover and I was back in Champaign and he was visiting and we were going up to Chicago';s Bluesfest that I wasn't feeling good and I went in the bathroom and I was wearing these cute little summery flowered baby doll pajamas and he came in and I was like "get the hell outta here" and he pulled me on the floor and pulled down my pajamas and started going down on me and it was delicious and the bathroom door was unlocked and I was writhing and there were several people (some of which I didn't know well) that were in the next room waiting for us to come outta the bathroom. I remember his long hair swinging like a blanket over me when he'd been on top and his hair would drip sweat onto me. I remember that he was always at least 2 hours late and this pissed me off so much. but he'd make up for it by being really sweet when he got to my house (where I'd have fallen asleep on my couch, annoyed with him)...We made dinners together. We took drives in the country. He did somethings because he was so drunk that I refuse to write in this journal..he'd be embarrassed (not that he even reads this most likely)...then he broke up with me after about 2 months and I was so in love with him (I thought, anyways) because he wasn't sure if he was with the right person but of course we f*cked each other just like before, without the "labels"...pillow pals, fuck buddies. This went on for a year or more..It was pathetic and made me feel like shit, esp. that I couldn't break the cycle and just distance myself from him, but we were BEST FRIENDS and I couldn't bear not to see him everyday and laugh and talk about music and eat enchiladas..then we got me pregnant...I got myself unpregnant and was repulsed by him ever since...we did attempt to fuck one time for "old times sake" about 5 years after all this started..but it didn't really work out well (his fault)...it was just too strange, anyway. Funny, cuz back then I thought he was the bees-knees and the sexiest man alive and now I think about his skinny knees and his way of mumbling and his sad-sack eyes and his stringy brown hair and his hairy fucking chest and I just don't know what I ever saw in him. He is a great guy, though!! God, I've rambled..next installment will be about my 1st love...

Nostalgia..I can't escape it. It is my fatal flaw! I still talk to Jon infrequently and am glad we have kept in contact all these years. Poor fellow..hasn't had a "real" girlfriend since me..guess he fucked up, huh?

do the jerk * do the frug