I can't believe I have to work right now. I Feel like writing and writing and writing, about my life and other people's lives and song lyrics and poems and the way the elevator smelled this morning like a coconut and lime drink. I HATE THIS FUCKING JOB. I need to be creative. I can't do it here. It makes me feel locked in a fucking cage. It really does. Ok, I'm not gonna get all emotional and start crying. I'm a big girl and I gotta pay the rent like everybody else. I was listening to The Charlatans UK this morning. Brings back memories of living w/Simone Tracy and Ursula in the big brown house on Green and Kohler. Red shag carpet in all rooms, I loved it. Bitch to keep clean. Simone's very natty red velvet love seat that she inherited from Nestra. The cats barfed on that...under my chair in my room..everywhere. Cactuses dying in the corner from too much sunlight. I remember how they look so sad and so much like some part of the Elephant Man, all bent over and dehydrated and bulbous. That time period reminds me of yet another boy I had a crush on who turned out to be gay (his friends told me and I suspected)..to this day I wonder if he knows that I knew all along (well..after he kissed me and I could tell he just wasn't really there or into it) God how I thought I loved him. He was from northern England and him and his buddies were from Manchester or other various places (he wasn't from Manchester though..Jane and JEff were..they fought like cats and dogs..they drank like fucking maniacs. Are there any sober people in England or Ireland under the age of 35? I don't mean that as a slur or anything, but damn it. The drunkiest people I've ever met have been from England and Ireland (well..and my ex husband and Tappy..he he)...but Jon was beautiful...I actually had a crush on his tall, skinny friend who had long shaggy hair..they called him Bully (because he was so NOT tough..more like a puppy)..I was at Eddies and bought Bully a drink...he had a girlfriend back home. Those guys asked me to go to a party w/them. I decided that Jon was far more interesting because we walked around outside in the dark and it was cold and we talked about English literature and lots of other things that we had in common. He was so sweet and we reeked of beer and I took him home and he liked my Louise Brooks postcards hanging on my wall and we talked until the sun came up..we really did nothing but talk and talk and I couldn't take it anymore and I asked him to kiss me and we made out but there was something lacking (at the time I refused to believe that)...there was no passion there. We hung out a few times. I went dancing w/him and the other people at Chester Street and I started to suspect he might be bi or gay when he danced (ya'll know what I mean..go to a gay bar if you don't!) and plus he wouldn't look at me..his eyes were on the group of queens across the room...the whole fucking time he was looking at them. I pined for him SOOOO bad. I listened to the Charlatans UK during this timeperiod and day dreamed about Jon. I wanted him as a boyfriend..I was in denial that he was gay..but I really knew he was. He came over one afternoon and we always had such good conversations and I wanted to jump all over him but he would never touch me unless I asked. That should have given me some insight..idiot! I said "How about a kiss before you leave" He gave me this heartless, robotic, sloppy kiss. It was awful. But I STILL wanted him to be my boyfriend. He wore really strong cologne (yuck) but at the time I loved smelling it on my pillow. I never even saw him unclothed...I wished he could have confided in me. I really do. I also hung out with his friends Jeff and Jane (who were like Sid and Nancy fighting and drunk)..Jane was a fucking riot. What a little fireball..jesus. I remember her being a party and she Jeff's ex was there (I believe he was originally from the states) and she cussed that girl out and got so drunk and I remember as we left she kicked out the basement windows in the ex's house (that is where the party was)...One night I was walking down the street with Jeff and Jane and they knew I pined for JOn but they wouldn't say anything and I remarked "You guys..don't tell Jon this, but sometimes I get the distinct feeling that he may be gay" and they both had dropped jaws and they cracked up and they told me that indeed, JOn, was gay and really uncomfortalbe with it and he didn't want Bully and the rest of the guys to know. Jane said that Jon really hated being gay. He was not physically attracted to women, but he could fall IN LOVE with them but he was only physically attracted to men, but he couldn't love them..he hated them, only wanted their bodies. I remember confiding in Jon about my unfortunate mishap at having gotten myself knocked up (also by someone named Jon..strange) and I was crying on his shoulder and he was so sweet and we met the next day at Coslos and ate brownies and drank tea and then his friend, Bully (god..he was gorgeous) came and sat with us. I remember Bully talking about how much he loved the band Mudhoney. Anyways...I'll have write about the first gay crush I had when I was 18 some other time.

do the jerk * do the frug