Today feels better. For the first time in 5 days, I ventured outside. Outside is a very bright, loud and flashy place after being in the quiet coccoon of my apartment for so many days in a row. Jay took me to my docs appointment. I took one of "those" tests..it was a screening for depression...I hadn't taken that particular one, believe it or not (I've taken alot of other ones throughout the years)..I scored a 69% (hey! 69 is my birth year..is that a coincidence? ha ha) which means that currently for the past two weeks I have been "moderately to severely depressed"..wow, I had NO IDEA! (*sarcasm just sizzles off my lips*)..thanks for telling me Doctor! Nah, my doc is cool, but it is always just strange going to the doctor and saying "yea..I feel like hiding in a cave" and they say "well, there are two options...more drugs, different drugs or some counseling or a combo of the two". I've always found counseling not to be all that helpful, really. By the time I get around to telling my whole life story, blah blah blah, I get SICk to death of talking about myself and the thing that sucks is that you have to repeat your history COMPLETELY OVER to every new therapist you see and it just seems like a fucking waste of time eventually. I honestly feel that my panic disorder problems and my depression problems are 80-90% biochemical anyways and counseling doesn't solve that one bit. DRUGS do and some people knock the drugs part, but honestly, I feel like they saved me, I REALLY do. So, we decided to up my antidepressant a little (which will help w/both depression and any pesky anxiety attacks that may come about)...blah blah blah..talking about my mental health makes me feel so selfish, like I walk around with blinders on. I guess I feel like I have blinders on when I get like this. I can't get outside my shell, my head, etc. After the doc's appointment we went to a cute little clothing store and I eased my moderate to severe depression ever so slightly by purchasing the most adorable neo-retro black cardigan sweater with two little white kitty faces embroidered on it..very Peggy Sue. I can't wear to wear it out! I also ate a big juicy, sloppy cheeseburger at a pub afterwards and that helped a bit too. Then while I was patiently waiting for Jay in this pretty dirty little bicycle shop (the best bike shop in Seattle, though..it has alot of character) a little black pug dog named MOnkey was playing with me and running under my skirt and that made me laugh alot as well. Jay got a haircut (anyone else notice that as soon as you walk out of the haircutting place you tend to feel like you look like the most ugly and dorky person on the planet...Jay's hair will look better when he gets in the shower and tossles it a little)...freshly cut hair ALWAYS looks better the NEXT day, and these people expect a fucking TIP? jesus. He got it cut a little too short for my taste (God Jay..are you joining the Navy or something?) but it'll grow quickly..he's still a cutie pie. Tonight we are going out to an All-Ages show to mingle w/13 and 14 year olds who have peach fuzz on their upper lips. Speaking of cutie pie boys, The Catheters are playing and the lead singer is just delectable. He sweats alot on stage too and I could just LICK that up (yuck..that is gross..sorry about that)...I like lusting from a far..it is ALOT of fun!! Mom should be here on Monday or Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to seeing her, esp. after how I've felt this entire week, but I'm NOT wanting to clean up this semi-messy apartment. Maybe I just won't do it and blame it on the "moderate to severe depression"..maybe mom will clean up my apartment FOR me...god, I'm 33...I need to get a grip!! Happy Friday!

do the jerk * do the frug