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God, who does that song? Herman....?? I'm drawing a blank. For some reason that song is in my head cuz I was talking about names I would like to name my unborn children (Why do I do this to myself...most of the time I don't even want kids, but sometimes....I just g et this DESIRE)...anyways, Quinn is always a name I've liked for a boy (despite the song) It is strange cuz I'm so torn about wanting to have children or not. I tell Jason (who doesn't want to at all I don't think, unless he is lying to me) that I really don't have a desire to have children, but honestly, I do. Maybe not right now, but in a few years. But then I start questioning whether I am emotionally and physically stable enough (and selfless enough) to devote my life to this child(ren) I might bring into this world. Somedays my biological clock is busted, all the springs and parts in the back are all splayed all over the place and I think "I'm too selfish, I don't want children." I don't want to go through 9 months of that and the SCARY thoughts of labor keep me leary of the whole thing (but it might also be BEAUTIFUL!)But then on other days (esp. when I see my friends and cousins having babies and I look at how wonderfully smart and funny children can be) my biological clock's alarm is ringing off the hook. I guess I have to really analyze my motivations for wanting children. It is complicated and the thing is that I feel like I have to keep these desires/inklings that I sometimes have a secret from Jason. My rational side kicks in and says "Are you crazy!? You have just committed yourself to attempting to go to library science school for 2 years and then you'll be wanting to develop a career after school, so in 3-4 years after that is all settled and comfortable..I'll already be 36 or 37 years old. Is that too old to have a baby?" I don't want to be retirement age just when my kids are finally in their late 20's and adjusting to adulthood. I don't know...what do other people think? Especially my friends that are above 30 and thinking of having kids? How do I approach Jason without scaring him and how do I decide what I REALLY want to do....career, kids...can I do BOTH? Maybe the fact that I so badly want a lifestyle change/career change right now is making me think a baby would solve everything, but that could be just the WRONG reason to try to have children. God, I'm confused!! Anyways, I'm glad it is Friday. I plan to study for the GRE alot this weekend, try to actually cook a good homemade meal (monsa, tracita, tappy...any delicious, semi-easy meal suggestions?), finish reading "Kissing the Virgin on the Mouth" which I'm really loving, and perhaps I'll go see a movie (but what one? There isn't alot out right now I'm interested in!)...maybe I'll try to work on my libido so Jay and I will have sex (its been SO LONG...my fault, I think)..We do have an un-used jar of edible lemon body paint. Perhaps it is time to celebrate our sensuality/sexuality (god, that sounds lame!) THE DREAM SECTION ------------------------------ Why do I consistently dream of having sex with/kissing/making out with everyone BUT my actual husband. These are imaginary people. The one I had last night was nice but I remember that his parents (my dream lover) were incredibly cruel and I hated them and was planning some sort of revenge and I got jealous when this "dream lover" vanished at his family's party with a girl named "Happiness" (is that symbolism or what?) and I was searching for them. I also remember talking to this dream lover about the journals of Kurt Cobain and he felt some strange kinship with me becuase of that conversation (though we were practically strangers). I remember this dream lover's father was making sexual advances at me while also treating me like nothing more than a servant (though I was just a friend of his children) and the mother was psychotic...I remember at one point she came in her son's room (the dream lover)
and she was sprawled on the floor naked, god knows why and I was really pissed at her cuz she'd been really distant and rude towards me and she had silicone breasts and I was berating her for this and squeezing her rock hard implants in digust...it was almost like she was some sort of prostitute Barbie. Very strange. The best part of the dream was laying on the dream lover's bed and we were just talking but we felt that intensly tingly/almost unbearable sexual attraction between us and we started kissing..it was sweet and sexy and seemed like a high school make-out session but less clumsy. Ah...why can't my horniness in my dreams translate to a increased libido in reality?? Dr. Ruth..I need her help!
