2003-01-02 : My Life feels Frozen and I don't like it
Sometimes I feel like a cold-hearted bitch. I can't explain this feeling but to say that I withdraw into my own world so often ("I just want to read my book and be alone, leave me alone") that I KNOW that I neglect Jay much more than I should (I mean..I guess? What is the "normal" amount of time/attention/affection that people who are married and "love" each other are supposed to give to one another?) and I don't know what my problem is. It isn't that I am extraordinarily selfish or self-absorbed because I try to do things for him and give him encouragment, but I just don't TOUCH him enough. Sometimes I cringe at being touched. Even a hug leaves me stiff, and I take him wanting to give me a kiss (just a little peck) as some prelude to "let's have sex" and my sex drive is pretty much gone most of the time, and he doesn't even want anything but just a hug and a kiss but I can't separate that from him POSSIBLY wanting something more sexual. It's strange. He said "you are neglecting me" last night and he said he was kidding, but I don't think he was and I don't know I can give him as much physical affection, attention and love as he is used to. I think he grew up with much more affection than I did. My mother has always been a great mother, but she'll even admit that our family didn't hug, kiss or touch much...we didn't even say "I Love you" much until we got to be adults, and I think somehow (and I'm not blaming anybody here) that this warped me and made me need so much physical space so often that people have GOT to think of me as being cold and reserved. Yet, I can cuddle and hug my cats with no problems and in fact I probably pay more attention to them and their need for attention and affection than I do Jay, and isn't that pathetic?

I just feel depressed today. Like I'm not a good enough friend, wife, worker, writer, lover. I'm a good "escapist" though....I could submerge myself in books, TV, and movies and never come up for air and not have any friends or family or signifant other. Or at least, I fool myself into thinking I like my company that much, but when I am husbandless/boyfriendless and have alot of time on my hands I drive myself INSANE. I heard that Madonna song "Frozen" today while holding for an insurance company and I've always found that song to be really beautiful though for the most part I can't stand Madonna and I thought "Frozen" was just so fitting as a description of me. I put on an outward "smiling, happy, funny, laughing" appearance for the entire world to see. I even walk around in public with a half smile on my face as if to show people how nice and happy I am, but half the time I feel really frozen inside. Really "NOTHING"..I can't even put it into words properly. I got about my routine (which comforts me) but I feel like a fucking robot. Get up at 6:45, sit in the front of the light therapy lamp for 1/2 hour, take a shower, get dressed, toast an English Muffin, leave the house between 8:00 and 8:10 to catch a bus, sit in the same seat nearly every day, listen to the same tapes over and over again. Do the same bullshit at work...same accounts until they get resolved. See the same people, listen to the girls around me struggle w/their families and their emotions and moods day after day, while I just am quiet or friendly. Take my breaks at the same time every day. Eat lunch about the same time everyday and I always eat out now and my meal selection is only of about 4 different things per week (by my own choice), leave work at 5:55 and catch the #355 express home and eat something and then read, watch Tv or a movie, chat with Jay somewhat (maybe a total amount of 20-25 minutes per night is spent talking with him)..that means about 1/2 hour per 24 hours...GOD! I'm just rambling. I got to bed between 10:20 and 11:00 pm every night and this goes on for my entire life? Will it? What if I don't get into grad school? What if I DO? What if I have to try change and new things and I freak out like I always do w/change by having massive panic attacks. Yet, I am consciously aware of how bored I am when my life is so routine, when my jobs and relationships are so predictable and monotonous..maybe I'm having a post-holiday let-down slump because though the holidays feel like alot of obligation, pressure and false cheer I must admit that I always look forward to them every year and now...nothing significant to look forward to for many many months. Isn't that just depressing? I have to create my own excitement, I know..but sometimes I'm just too lazy and tired and narrow-brained to do it. I need to make a list of things to do to change my life, even if in little ways. Volunteer, Go bowling, see a play or a ballet, meet new people, take buses I've never taken before in my free time and just see where I end up. I need to do these things to become thawed because I am SO FROZEN..I really am.