Today I was reading a diary here on diaryland and the author was talking about and celebrating his sexuality and it made me realize that I am really fucked-up in the head when it comes to sex. I don't tend to talk about sex much here because I don't HAVE much sex and I feel HORRIBLE and ABNORMAL about this much of the time. Perhaps MANY people (esp. other women) are like me when it comes to their sexual drive. My pattern tends to go like this: I meet somebody and during the "infatuation" stage (which tends to last 2-6 months for me) my sex drive is WONDERFUL. I want to have it every day. Then when commitment/marriage/long-term relationships become solidified I almost completely lose my sex drive. Why is this? What can I do about this? Is this typical for alot of people? I've never had this NOT happen and I'm on my second marriage and have been in 6 long-term relationships (meaning that I've been with someone for at least a year)...It isn't that I don't enjoy sex once I get in the mood to have because I DO. So much so that it makes me cry afterwards, sometimes (and that always confuses me too!) and I have no problem having orgasms, etc, but my libido just SUCKS! I realize that the anti-depressants I take probably make this even worse, but honestly I had this problem WAY before I ever started on any medications. I often times wonder if I have been molested in my past, at a very young age, because it has been suggested to me subtly by therapists (because of my lack of libido, my occassional feelings of "disgust" about sex, and my gynecological exam phobia (which is better than when I was 19, but still persists to a varying degree...) but I have no MEMORY of being abused in that way. Jay and I were sitting in bed last night, reading, and he said "Do you think he have problems with our marriage" and I kind of scoffed and said "No, why do you?" and he said "Well, we rarely have sex." The thing is, he is right and I feel awful about it. It's been suggested to me that even if I'm not in the mood, to just "go along" with it, but I'm telling you..I CAN'T DO THAT and I don't think I should have to, either. I wouldn't blame him (and in fact, I might encourage him) if he chose to seek his sexual pleasure elsewhere, as long as it was purely sex and he didn't get emotionally attached to anybody else. Is this crazy? I'm really not a jealous person (unless he were to sleep with a friend, of course)..It is like I feel that I owe him this. I feel like a bad wife because I'm so un-interested in sex. I feel like an amoeba because I'd rather sleep or read or watch movies than have sex. I've had my hormones tested and they are completely normal (including my testosterone levels)...the only time I FEEL horny, to be honest, is when I drink alcohol, but I'm surely not going to become a drunk in order to improve my sex life! I don't know..I'm just thinking about what to do about this. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm lazy...because I can't "fake my libido" in order to make him feel good about our relationship. Oh well.

do the jerk * do the frug