I finally got the itemized receipts from the management company from our last apartment and I just KNOW there is no way of getting out of paying that $1700.00, and I'm bitter that just because we had a few minor accidents with paint and candle wax that I'm gonna have to be on a payment plan for the next year trying to pay these people because I'm an honest person and I don't think I should just blow off their bill NOR do I want to get sent to collections and screw up my credit even more.
I HATE worrying or even thinking about MONEY, MONEY, MONEY (I really relate to Darryl sometimes, I tell you..though I think he's far worse off than me when it comes to finances, and then I feel like a dork even trying to pretend that I understand his financial difficulties..)
I know there are things I could do to be alot more money-intelligent with what I do make. I could stop spending $5.00 on lunch every day by bringing my own lunch. I could cancel the cable (BUT I wouldn't get to see great documentaries...See how pathetic this is? I worry about money and not having enough of it, yet I'm not willing to make any sacrifices..) I could give up my weekly $16 massage (which would save $64.00 per month) but there is NO WAY I can give up that because it is something (probably the ONLY thing) I look forward to each and every week. I really should just cancel the cable (that would save $40.00 per month), bring my lunches (that would save god knows how much) but keep the massage appointments as my treat to myself. I do work fulltime and I work hard (unlike JAY! That is a whole 'nother can of worms I just can't bring up anymore)...I need to stop going out to eat...just make it an occassional (bi-weekly, perhaps, treat)... I think I have a spending problem and I need to get myself under control...Money, Money, Money...God, it really DOES make the world go around and I HATE that.
On one hand I don't want Jay to move out and one hand I DO want him to move out. On one hand I want to stay married to him and on the other I just want to give up and get divorced and be alone (and eventually find a more like-minded, responsible, less-juvenile man)..but god..what am I talking about? I don't want to be with a yuppie. I love the fact that Jay is a creative, flaky musician/artist type, but I'm SICK of picking up the slack, and I know he's trying, but it's never hard enough and nothing he ever does is right. God, I hate myself and my ability to be a total neurotic, worry-wart CONTROL FREAK.
Ok, on a positive note..(cuz I HAVE to have a positive note to counterbalance all this negative bile and ranting...) I'm wearing a red and white checked "cowboy" shirt and it makes me happy (though I don't understand why)...Shit, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I just want to go home and go back to bed and wake up in 10 years and see how my life has turned out.
It's strange, I was lying in bed last night thinking suddenly of my Grandma Marie (the one that passed away at the end of October) and I realized that I miss her and it almost brought tears to my eyes.Maybe I was thinking of her because I sleep nightly underneath the red Afghan she crocheted for me. It really is a struggle sometimes to live my life seeing my mom, brother and sister only about once a year. It can be very lonely. Before I went to sleep last night I kept thinking "I want to remember my dreams and I want them to be magical" and I kept repeating that over and over again and when I woke up briefly at about 3:30 or 4:00, i DID remember my dreams and I remember they actually had something to do with Magic(k) and some sort of group of my friends and I wanting to invoke something, but now I can't remember any of the dream. Ok, I'm irritating myself beyond belief, so I'm gonna end this. It does feel better to write this all out or tell somebody (I was just talking to my friend Lynn about how I feel)...I keep so many things (hopes, worries, dreams, hell, EVERYTHING) inside..I need to start opening up, instead of being so bottled up.
