2003-03-16 : I don't like my husband...I'd rather be with Jeremy Irons
Why am I trying to fool myself into thinking this marriage will last? What the FUCK am I thinking? I don't know if we should just get the inevitable over...but of course, he's too financially dependent on me to move out right now. I'm probably just stating all this DIVORCE stuff because I feel really angry at him right now. He's such an immature, self-serving, stubborn, cranky and RUDE little shit. He really is. He's a 31-year-old man that is a perpetual angry and rebellious and pouty little 17 year old boy who is always trying to get back at some unseen mother that he thinks is trying to "tell him what to do" and have control over him. I'm sick of his cranky-ass moods. He works on silk-screening THE BAND t-shirts today and he's like "you have to leave me alone, you have to leave me alone."...I'm not even DOING anything. God, he pisses me off. Then we got get my friend Lynn and take her out for a birthday lunch which was fun and all but even Lynn noticed what a jerk he was being at points to me. He would accuse me of interrupting him (granted..I did..but can't three people talk at once?) but then he wouldn't even acknowledge when he'd do the same shit to me. He even snapped at Lynn when she asked him what meds he took (when we'd all just been talk about our various mental breakdowns over the years) and he suddenly said "I don't want to talk about this here." It kind of offended her. He doesn't even GET IT. He occassionally will realize as an afterthought that he was being an asshole and he'll apologize, but for the most part, he never admits when he's wrong, when he's been a jerk, etc. Then again, maybe I don't either (and he would certainly accuse me of never taken responsbility for my bitchiness)....We haven't had sex in 3 months, and I just don't WANT to..that is the gist of it. I am not attracted to him anymore....though I don't really think I want to have sex with ANYBODY at this point...my libido is gone, and honestly the only reason I care is because I guess I feel that I SHOULD CARE..that I should feel guilty because Jay wants to have sex. Well, TOUGH TITTY!!

My weekend up until now was actually pretty good. I'm just pissed off, and I am having one of those "I wish I fucking lived ALONE" moments! (He's buying some food at the store right now..I wish he'd stay there ALL DAY!)

Friday night was fun, though (and we got along just fine)...we went to see The A-frames and the Blank-its and The Pulses and I drank beer and got goofy/tipsy and smoked too many cigarettes (why did I EVER start smoking....I curse myself for that day!)...The Blank-its were really good..and I'm not gonna describe them cuz it seems pointless. Jay's band will be playing with them in about a month, though. The Pulses bored the shit out of me and I always love seeing the A-frames..where I danced slightly robotic..they are very jangular (think Wire/The Fall)...

Yesterday was a gorgeous spring day and I looked at all the gorgeous blooming cherry and apple blossom trees and daffodils all over the place...did some shopping...got two very cute MOD dresses. One is gonna by my St. Patty's dress...is obnoxious lime green with a little paisley scarf/tie thing at the neck..pleated drop waist skirt..very cute (god...pretty shallow to describe my new clothes in a diary entry..but FUCK IT..clothes make me happy sometimes in a very fleeting way)...I also got another dress..mid 60's era once again....similar cut...this one has large cream, grey and peach colored pow-wow flowers on it...very cute. Makes me feel like a little girl in these dresses (esp. if I wear Mary Janes and white knee high socks)...I was born in the wrong era, I'm telling you! I bought Lynn a great birthday present...a book by a Japanese author (it was in English, though) called "Everyone Poops"...it's a childrens book but adults love it, too....it's adorable..and its about...POOP! The pictures are hilarious!

Last night Jill and Eric (the notorious couple that fight constantly when together, but are all touchy-feeling at the same time...drives me fucking batty) came over and we ended up sitting around chatting and drinking a few beers. I actually had a good time with those two (and they managed to get along pretty well)....

Well, I rented Scum of the Earth (which I'll watch later) and I'm gonna go finish watching "Dead RIngers" (which I'd never seen before...Jeremy Irons is very sexy..EVEN in this fucked up movie!)

Donner Party of Four (Jay's band) is playing their first show tonight...I'm excited for them and I can't wait to go and see them play (even though Jay is a fucking prick)...anyways, bye bye!!