The tulips on my desk are opening up, looking like upside down hoop-skirts, or an open throat or a teacup with the stamens (or is it the pistils?) looking like tiny little fingers reaching up for something.
I'm wearing pink tights. I took my bra off at work cuz it felt constricting and did that pull it through one sleeve of your shirt trick and I like having my boobs not be constricted. I just started wearing a bra (I wear one maybe once or twice a month now) again for the first time since the early 90's (I am very small, so don't start picturing saggy tits!) I don't know why I decided to start wearing a bra here and there again...maybe it makes me feel more sexy, which is retarded, actually. I even flung the bra over my head like a stripper in my cubicle, waving it around and going "whoo whoo" but either nobody saw or they just decided to keep it to themselves. Doing it made me laugh alot. I had a dream last night that I had doused myself in a horrible cheap perfume and that the girl that sits in the cubicle behind me was coughing and wretching and complaining over the smell of it. I think I dreamed that because I bought some really lovely smelling African violet body oil last night and I want to wear it work (and today I am) but I know she has a very sensitive nose. I guess I was having a "paranoid" dream.
Jay is going to The Tablet party tonight. I am not. Parties at some hipster's house bore me. I feel especially wall-flowerish and aggressively anti-social in situations like that (since I wouldn't know anybody but Jay)....However, if people recall the LAST party the Tablet threw that I attended (it was at a bar, not a house), they will remember that I had a great time, though (including being mauled by a 55 year old Irish blue-collar type named John Fallon, and kissing a pretty girl in a black wig who teetered around in her tall black boots...I think the entry is from around December 13th if anyone cares to re-read. I'm not gonna link to it, cuz I don't know how and I'm too lazy!)
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WARNING: Pseudo-Pagan, Witchy Stuff about my Spring Equinox Celebration follows..if it isn't your thing and you feel like rolling your eyes (go ahead..I do it too!) then you might want to skip THIS NEXT PART:
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I went to Fred Meyer last night after work and gathered my "tools" for my Ostara celebration. I got some flower seeds (some bright orange looking daisy type flower that I can't remember the name of...), some small plastic pots, neon green and bright pink streamers, 3 light green candles, and a spade for digging in the dirt (I decided to get dirt from around my apartment building...I didn't want to buy potting soil). Then I found some rose incense and the African Violet oil at an African gift shop and then I headed home.
I felt almost criminal as I took my spade and dug in the dirt by some shrubs at the front of my apartment building. I thought somebody would yell "Hey! You can't do that." I have no idea why I was being so silly about doing it. I filled up a small pot and got my altar ready...setting up the candles, the incense, etc. Then I ran a hot, steamy bath and put a few drops of lemon bath oil in it. I can't thoroughly describe the pleasure of soaking in steamy lemon bath water and imagining all the negativities of my life and of winter and darkness going down the drain. You'll just have to try it for yourself. I dryed myself off, and wrapped pink and green streamers around my arms and head and neck (even I am laughing at what a dork I must have looked like but it felt right to do!) and I proceeded...NAKED....to the bedroom...said some stuff (which I'm not putting in here) and put an egg on the altar to represent new life and new beginnings (no, I'm not trying to get preggers!) and then NNAAAAAAAAAAHH...the smoke detector goes off, completely scaring the shit out of me, and I'm running around naked with streamers on me and I can't find a stable chair to stand on so I can turn the detector off or bash it or whatever and the whole thing is ruining my whole ritual and I finally crack open a window and remove the incense from the room and the smoke detector stops blaring on its own. I finished my ceremony and planted the seeds and asked for peace and health and happiness for the world and those people that I know personally in my own life, and that was that. It didn't feel all that wonderful, actually. I felt like I was going through the motions, but not feeling anything. I'm still glad I did it, though..if nothing else it was fun. I like rituals and preparations for things like that.
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Funny thing is...speaking of changes and new directions in life, I ironically got my response letter from the Univ. of Wa last night...they didn't accept me into their MLIS graduate program. I knew before even opening the letter that it was a rejection. I've had this feeling for months that I wouldn't be accepted and so it was no surprise and I certainly am not upset about it. Believe or not, I actually feel relieved. I've decided it is NOT the right time to go back to school, even though I am fed up w/my current career. Things have a way of working themselves out and so I will let whatever happens, happen. In time I may apply to a different school, but not now. I'm glad it's Friday, I'm gonna eat KFC (fuck it) and rent a movie and have a nice evening alone w/the cats.
