I just ate a TV dinner by candlelight. I have never done that before, just as I have never told Jay that I think he SHOULD move out (as soon as May) perhaps when confronted with him saying yet again "I think maybe things might be better between us if I moved out"....I'd like him to go and live on his own, with no financial support from me, and just see how well he does. He's spending the night at Bruno's because I basically kicked him out for the night.


I feel better now after crying alot and talking to my mom (when I got home..didn't make that mistake again at work!) for at least an hour.

So, I didn't get fired, and in FACT, I didn't even get in trouble for missing some work last week (see previous entry)..I totally misunderstood the reason why my supervisor wanted to have a "conference" with me about "my attendance"..in fact, she told me she has seen a significant improvement in my attempts at being at work every day and to keep up the good work and she'd be monitoring my absences just to make sure I was still making a good effort not to miss work, so things were FINE.

I got home and still felt depressed, despite feeling relief about the work situation and I told Jay about everything and he was as sympathetic as most men can be (not offense..I know that is a very sexist implication, but in my own experience..talking to men about how you feel when you are upset is nowhere as comforting as talking to your mother or father or a girlfriend)...anyways, he listened and then we were laying in bed and FINALLY having a fairly meaningful conversation (we rarely have these...it's ridiculous how superficial our relationship can be sometimes) about the nature of evil, and if there is a God and I was asking him what he REALLY believes in (he doesn't believe much of anything, and at the time I could mostly relate) but somehow the subject got around to us...no fighting or anything, but suddenly he said yet AGAIN (He pulls this move about once every two months) that maybe he should "move out" and I just lost it. Here I was...home from work, really depressed...really sad and trying to explain myself, and then when I finally am calming down a bit, he brings this shit up. Insensitive or what? I am sick of this and though I don't want him to move out in many ways, I finally said today that I want him to leave (or figure at least figure out what he REALLY wants to do, and DO IT or shut up about it cuz it hurts everytime he says he wants to "leave")..I'm also not going to continue to support his ass. I will not do it. I have to give him some sort of ultimatum about money. Either start paying at least 40% of our expenses (by working more than 12 hours per week) by May or GET OUT!! I think I scared him and I think he needed to be scared because he never takes me seriously, but I am this time. I want to make this marriage work sometimes...but today, I just don't.

Anyways, I don't have much else to say. I'm glad I have Diaryland..this is really one of the only places I really let my feelings out...I keep everything bottled up inside so much...I can't even bring myself to talk to my family or my closest friends about my problems, fears, insecurities..it's like I get tongue-tied..I just won't do it. I shut down. I listen to them vent, and I say nothing about my life in return. Here in diaryland I feel less vunerable...and I'm glad about that. OH, I found a poem I wrote almost exactly 10 years ago. Here it is:


Ice Queen




In January, I could sink
into this chair-become a smooth
cushion, collect dust,
crawl with cobwebs.


I would become frozen
as it snowed. A man's touch,
a lover's fire, could never
produce one solitary drip.


I'd be a statue,
sugar shiny, but a tongue
would stick, not melt
my hollow insides.


March might bring a Sun God,
with a kiss to my dirty white face,
a hot hand to energize stopped veins,
thawing a cramped tongue, like the tin man.


But Spring might only bring stillness,
tears would cut my cheeks
as salt and saline become icicles,
crystalline stalagtites.


And so it is only during winter
that I might become beautiful,
and only because an ice angel
is supposed to be frigid.

do the jerk * do the frug