I feel better today, despite a strange burning pain in my stomach that I think is from eating too many peanuts (not that I'm allergic to them, mind you.) Emotionally, I feel right back to where I normally do, which is pretty upbeat and cheery (with a underlying edge of irritation at stupid things that I keep in check).
I got home last night and Jay was back from Bruno's. I showed him some funny books I found in the lobby (somebody is moving out) such as "That Darned Cat" and "Are you a GOOD Girl?" while he was scrubbing himself in the tub and I was just pretending everything was completely normal (I have no idea why I was avoiding a serious conversation...mostly cuz I was tired, I guess) and he got out of the bath and dressed and said "Why are you talking about this stuff? We need to TALK!" and I said "I know..but it's just that I'm tired and..." my voice drifting off. I went about preparing dinner in a robotic way, flouring and spicing the cube steaks, heating the canola oil in the pan while asking him "So, did you make a decision? Are you moving out and when?" He said "I'm still considering it." So as a defense mechanism (cuz part of me REALLY wants this marriage to work and doesn't want him to move out and it hurts when we talk about him leaving) I say "Ok, I really don't care, just give me ample advance notice." I guess that isn't REALLY the response he wants to hear. I don't know WHAT he wants to hear, and he says "I don't know, I just feel really guilty and shitty right and I don't know what to do, and I'm not attracted to you anymore...." and I just numbed it all out, but I KNOW that some of what he says isn't even completely true and he knows that, too. I tell him that I have doubts about how attracted I am to him anymore as well (which is the truth) but all these feeling of mine change quite frequently. He seems angry and avoidant and says "I think I'll just go and stay at Bruno's again tonight." and I say "That's fine, but you don't HAVE to leave." I feel the tears coming and I start to sob as I'm cooking, and we don't talk and he is sitting by the computer, hunched over and I know he is about ready to cry as well, which he needs to do. Jay is SO blocked up. He has the feeling that he needs to cry So often, but he just Can't (this is typical of many men, I think) and therefore he only really gets it out, crys, about once or twice a year or less....I probably cry once a week at least! I calm down and the food is almost done and I hear him in the other room just break down and start to sob and I feel terrible for him and it surprises me because he crys so infrequently. I go over and hug him and rub his back, which makes him cry even harder.
Finally, with red eyes but a more calm demeanor, we sit down and eat our dinner. I tell him that I think he has alot of growing up to do, and that I realize I'm not a perfect person, either. He says very truthfully and somberly that he knows how immature he is both socially and when it comes to relationships and adult responsibilities (God, I hate sounding like June Cleaver...) and through mouthfuls of juicy meat and some steak sauce from Dublin, I tell him that I really WANT the marriage to work and that I think it can, but we both have things we need to try to change about ourselves and he seems to agree.
After dinner we eat pretzels in bed while watching Hitchcock's "Stage Fright" which is definetly not one of my fave Hitchcock movies but I'd never seen it before and I get sleepy and space out through the last 1/4 of the movie. Things seem better now....I hope I'm not just feel better on some illusion that is about to crack again.
Oh, I got my yearly "performance" review yesterday (good timing cuz I've been at this job exactly a year tommorrow!) and overall it was pretty good which made me happy and I really like my supervisor and told her as much.
Tonight is massage and then I'm going to the library to pick up my reserved copy of "The Magnificient Ambersons" which I've been dying to see for months.
*sigh*...when I hear that the US military has killed possibly 500 or more Iraqi soldiers it just makes me sad. I find it sad no matter WHO dies, or what side they are on. I hope this shit ends soon, but I have a sinking feeling.
