2003-04-23 : You are born alone..you die alone
I got two separate songs about shoes from two separate Seattle bands in my head. The Briefs..."I got a new pair of shoes and they..blah blah blah...here we go...well, alright, alright..." and The Makers..."Gotta sharp pair of walking shoes, and they're gonna walk away from you..people say that they look brand new, and I got 'em on the EastSide too, aaaaaw all right, aaaawww YEAAAA..." Similar, eh?

I feel like I have a sweating condition. I seem to be sweating all the time now. It's driving me insane. I use ANTI-perspirant/deodarant and just a brisk 10-15 minute walk makes me all sweaty..is this normal? Jesus..I feel like a GUY!

Watched "The Maltese Falcon"..what a gem. Humphrey Bogart has a beautiful smiling set o' teeth on him and WHAT a comedian! I had no idea how funny parts of this movie are:) I also love Peter Lorre in it. He's sort of sexy in a bug-eyed way..God, what am I THINKING?

I was eating my beef pot pie and preparing to watch the movie and Jay wasn't around and I went and sat on the toilet to pee and I suddenly felt sad and alone (literally I was..but I felt alone in a figurative way, too)...Jay is still saying he's moving out. I don't know that I want him to. It makes me sad, sad, sad. I feel like a failure, even though it isn't my fault. I wish I could change things. Hell, maybe it IS for the best. Maybe he'll really miss me and remember how much he loved me at one point and it'll improve our relationship. I'm confused. We never touch anymore...my sex drive is a little better these days but I'm afraid to approach him because he just doesn't seem interested in my body or me anymore. It's very sad. We hug and we play-fight (which means punching arms, and teasing pokes on the stomach, etc.) but a took a survey last night and it said "when was the last time you kissed" and I can't FUCKING REMEMBER?? All my sex-capades come out in my dreams. I'm always making out with some guy in a dream. It's never Jay, though. I'm happy because Jay found a second part-time job, which he started yesterday. He'll be working on weekends (that would suck!) but he likes working on bicycles and it'll be doing some bike assembly and bike repair at the Montlake Bike Shop. He'll be happier to be less broke, and I will feel better about him too (even if he does move out)...*sigh*..why are relationships/marriage so fucking difficult? You are born alone and you die alone...maybe that is why human interactions can be so forced and or unsatisyfing or heart-wrenching sometimes. Maybe people are naturally meant to be alone (but that doesn't explain the whole pro-creation thing to further the species)...I don't know what I am talking about. Good day.