After eating, we settled in to watch "Elmer Gantry" which Jay was excited about seeing again, since he hadn't seen it since high school. "Elmer Gantry" is a spectacle of a movie. Burt Lancaster is amazing! I loved it! It reminded me of "The Apostle" for some reason.
Then the mixed signals came....when the movie was over and I was feeling all sleepy (I'd taken one of my sedatives as I sometimes do to promote deeper, more satifsying sleep) and laying in bed in my red jammies, just about ready to turn off the light and hit DreamLand, Jay said "I feel sort of sad." I asked him if Elmer Gantry had made him sad and he said no. He then said that he was sad because he felt bad about not being attracted to me and he was wondering what would happen if he never felt attracted to me again. I didn't get upset (I'm still not, just confused a little) and I said very rationally..."We will wait and see. When you move out and we live apart for awhile and if you find that you don't miss me or can't get the spark back, obvously we'd have to get divorced. What else would there be to do?" So, that was that, and I realize it's possibly coming (The End), but I'm tired of being bitter, angry, hurt, rejected and sad. I just want to live my life to the fullest and whatever happens between Jay and I will be whatever happens, nothing more or less, and I'll go on with my life, no matter what, either with him or without him and I'll still have my own life so it ultimately doesn't really matter what happens does it? As long as I can find some happiness in my life, I don't need somebody else (such as a man) to have to make that happen for me. So, time will tell.
I'm glad it's Friday. I plan to go to dinner after work and then watch "All About Eve." Read and relax, and maybe tommorrow night I'll go dancing again at the Vogue or maybe I'll just stay home. I need to also get a haircut..so perhaps I'll do that this weekend as well.