2003-05-22 : Sad about Jay, or is the sadness just that I don't CARE anymore?
When did Jay and I start to almost HATE each other? Or grow so dis-enchanted about each other? Have we always been this way and we just stuffed it way deep down? Our communication seems at a standstill. He'll call on the phone and we'll talk for a few minutes about what we need at the store or what silly things the cats are doing and then it's just..nothing. We have nothing left to talk about. It actually makes me feel pretty fucking sad at this point. I hate feeling this way about somebody. It's almost a NON feeling..an indifference. I can't call it hate cuz of course I don't hate him. I care about him but I just feel this big void towards him. Is it my way of protecting my heart? Is my heart in ACTUALITY severed in a million pieces and I'm just blocking out my TRUE feelings (which I am extremely good at and do all the time, and I don't do this consciously)...I just got off the phone with him and suddenly I feel like crying. We both agreed that we just want so badly to get away from each other. What if I never really want to spend much time with him again? That would be awful,b ut I'm afraid it's over, over, over. But the scariest part is feeling that I don't even CARE that it's over. I feel so numbed out when it comes to him (even though I feel on the edge of tears right now)...he said that every day when I get home from work he feels depressed as soon as I walk in the door "she's home.." and I feel that way when I walk in the door and see him there. It's so akward. How did it get this way? I can't even remember now. It feels like it has felt this way forever. When was the last time I felt good about us and felt that I was in "love" with Jay? Its been years, perhaps..and we've not even been married 3!! So sad....but life goes on and I go on with it.