Why do I always feel so tired? Is it just my nature? Is it the sedatives I take every day..they relax me just a little TOO much? Is it just that this job bores the fuck out of me? Is it because I feel overwhelmed about my life right now. Really excited, but really tired. Moving....plans to see friends BEFORE I leave in the next 3 weeks. Too many people to see (actually, it's not like I even have that many friends..ha ha)...it all just tires me. I can myself withdrawing slowly from all my friends..being more distant. It's not because of anything other than wanting to detach so that I won't miss them as much when I leave..it's self protection, I suppose.

I'm hungry and tempted to eat either a Snickers or a bag of chips but I need to quit eating a bunch of shit for snacks..the healthy choice would be to select the trail mix packet..but sometimes it's just so fucking BORING to eat sunflower seeds, nuts and raisins..not enough grease/sugar/fat.

Last night Jay came over and helped me eat my leftover spaghetti. We listened to the Dirtbombs CD I purchased this week (Man..they kick ASS....Soulful and Rawkin'...I'd LOVE to see them live. Them and the Bell-rays at the same show...that would be the perfect line-up..they both got a similar thing going on....) Then we sat on my bed and listened to the Exploding Hearts and I stared at the pictures of the dead band members. I didn't cry, though. They really remind me of the Clash in some way if the Clash were less politic and more poppy and goofy the way The Briefs are. Alot of Dirtnap artists have a similar thing going on with their music.

Then we decided to quit moping in my bedroom about the band so we went to the Comet and split a pitcher and he rolled me some cigarettes..Aw, Drum...gotta love it (NOT!) and I came home and talked to Larry for awhile and then I went to sleep quite quickly and easily.

I CANNOT do anything at work...well..that is a lie. I work for a half hour, 45 minutes, and then I fuck around for a half hour, work for another half hour...and the cycle lasts all 8-9 hours I'm here. I should feel guilty..sometimes I do feel guilty, but mostly I just don't fucking care anymore...my time here is almost up. Let someone else take up my slack (aren't I sweet?)

I was thinking about WHY I have a bachelor's degree in creative writing yet all I've done for the past 6 years is work at various desks doing medical billing. I feel like I'm wasting my life..my creativity...my degree...all that. But I know I'll probably end up getting another similar job down in Eugene, cuz it pays bills and it's the skill I've honed, but I'd LIKE to do something totally different..but WHAT? What could I do that is creative and interesting and not every stressful but pays a decent salary (and I don't have to have any previous experience?) I just need a career change so bad. At least my love life is new and exciting and glorious, though, and of course, being me..I'm wondering how long the glow will last. I hate it when I try to predict the future and when I doom EvERYTHING to having an ending..like nothing will ever be FOREVER. Maybe I'm just being realistic, though and not fatalistic....I just need to enjoy each day while I'm living it and not think about what could happen in the future, after all, I'm not a prophet or anything.

I'm almost done with "Pilgrim" (Timothy Findley)..it's about an elderly English chap named Pilgrim...no last name (or maybe no first name)...he just wants to die but he is never successful at his suicide attempts...he seems immortal...so it's about him being put in this clinic in Zurich (takes place in 1912) and his doctor is Carl Jung..(I'm not sure how realistic the character of Jung is in this book compared to his real person but it's very interesting none the less)...great book....strange and sort of surreal and funny and very vivid. I recommend it.

do the jerk * do the frug