I feel SOOO...something. I've just finished my 2nd cup of green tea and so I have this slight, energized "almost" (but not quite) caffeine buzz and that special bitter taste that green tea leaves in your mouth (which I happen to love but alot of people hate about green tea) but I'm still tired so I feel like my body and mind are sort of UP and sort of DOWN. A fucking rollercoaster/see-saw/flying dream...am I hallucinating? Nah. My mind feels kind of free and floaty and empty but full at the same time. I feel like a walking paradox. I probably have low blood sugar..I really should go eat my lunch but I just feel GLUED to the chair..I just...can't...get...up.

I noticed as I came back from the bathroom that I'm always smiling at people..I always have a smile on my face. But you know what? On day's like today..on ALOT of days..it's a fucking MASK! It's fake. Can they see that the smile is on my face but not in my eyes..that my eyes are dull, dead and tired? But I smile anyway to appear cheerful because I want them to all think I'm just dandy. Actually, I really HAVE been pretty fucking happy lately, but that always has to come to end, doesn't it, for us neurotics....semi-depressed, semi-panic attacked population. I don't expect to feel ANY ONE emotion forever...that is unrealistic. I'm just a moody motherfucker. I pity any guy that tries to be in a relationship with me, but in some ways I'm a very good actress and I won't be all psycho, so maybe in some ways I'm an EASY person to be with..I don't have much of a temper (though things irritate me quickly, but I usually let it slide)..I just withdraw..I hide the true stuff....Oh god..sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I wish I could write poetry again. It's been awhile, but I'm just not inspired. I'm sure I'll start "channeling" it again though....I have no control over it. Its almost like voices in my head (only it isn't cuz I KNOW that I don't hear voices) but I love when I get spurts of jagged and random creativity flowing in my blood. It makes me feel more satisfied about being alive. Less robotic/routine-driven...but I can't always have what I want, now can I? I'm gonna go eat. Chinese food.

do the jerk * do the frug