It's not that I feel unhappy. I just feel kinda..NOTHING. I can hear the train signals in the background. I swear, a train goes crashing by about every 4 hours..it's insane! It doesn't bother me (unless they honk their horn 20 times in a row at 3 am)...This is one of those "starting to get later at night" sort of feelings. A sense of loneliness, cuz everybody is out or asleep and it's just me and this house and this room and the cats. Opal is constantly wanting to be let out of this room (and I don't blame her) but her meowing at the closed bedroom door (when I've already let her downstairs more than once today so that she can explore) can be irritating. She's facing the bedroom door so close that it's like she thinks she's being held a prisoner. I just don't wanna keep opening and closing the door for her and keep going downstairs to see where she's hiding or if she's gotten outside or what. On a funnier note..Poppy kept bringing in leaf after dried leaf from the roof and through the window. She'd cry/meow in this loud, repetitive way to get our attention. She's so proud of her leaf-catching abilities. She is SO VOCAL when she brings a new leaf in. I wonder if she actually thinks she has caught a bird or something. I think she brought in a total of 8 leafs (and meowed/garbled just as loudly each time because she wanted acknowledgement)..pretty funny. She's a weird little cat. Why am I talking about my cats? Because I have nothing else to talk about. My moods aren't so up and down this week, but I'm still frustrated at no job, no motivation to find something meaningful and fun about living in Springfield/Eugene. I just don't feel settled here yet. I love the house I live in and the people in it, though I rarely see them but briefly once or twice a day cuz I can't seem to leave this room. I see Larry the most of course. He's sick right now with the cold that I had a month ago. He's been sleeping nearly every day. I totally am in love with him, but on days like today I kind of feel "nothing" towards him. It's too comfortable or maybe I want a break from him (even though he's done nothing to upset me)...He's just difficult to be with sometimes. He doesn't really "talk"...I wonder how much depth he has...I can't really "feel" him out and sometimes that makes him unappealing to me. I feel shitty saying that. It's like I want the "perfect" man, but I don't know what I want or what "perfect" is and I know "perfect" doesn't even exist. I don't know what else to say. Maybe my infatuation stage is finally going. This always worries me so much. I instantly self-prophecize "break-up"..ugh. I don't even know what I'm talking about..I mean I do, but I just can't explain it right now. I need more in my life. I'm thinking that maybe I should get a job volunteering until I get a paying job. At least it'd be something to get me out of the house. My mom says "I see you teaching." "Maybe you should go back to school." Etc, but I don't see any of these things. I don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life right now. I had the big "European Trek" idea before I met Larry and even the way I feel about that has changed (I still want to go, but I just want to visit. Now I don't want to go alone...Now I don't even care if I go to Prague as much..I'd be just as happy going to Holland (with Tracy/Hans) or Greece (if Larry really follows through on that)..I just want to be with friends when I go over there..not strangers)

One day I feel content enough and fairly sane, but other days I feel like I'm going fucking mad and I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I'm even getting sick of writing this entry. So, I think I'll go smoke (which will in turn, keep me up for another hour)...I hate this feeling of sort of wanting to go to sleep (mostly out of boredom) but being unable to. I don't know if it's insomnia or what. I don't know anything anymore. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel too bad tonight..just restless and confused and too lazy to make any plans for my immediate (or more long-term) future, but then again..maybe living day to day and not planning for the future is the best way for me to be. I just wish I'd stop fretting. Well, goodnight.

Ps...I got a really cool little package from a certain Diarylander named xmas-face today. It contained a kick-ass Crispin Glover lighter that he made, a letter (!!! I love letters!) and lickable temporary tattoos that I haven't tasted yet (they taste like candy according to the package)...so, that was a bright spot in my day. Oh, and the book I'm reading on the history of Syphilis and some of it's famous victims is utterly absorbing..who woulda thunk? Actually, it makes perfect sense. I am fascinated by disease and all things that are slightly off=kilter and morbid. GO ME!

do the jerk * do the frug