2003-10-30 : Death, Malls, Fingernail Polish and Sex
Fingernail polish. I dreamed about trying to find the "perfect" shade of fingernail polish. In my dream I went to Rite-aid and the only colors they had were light pink, bright red and sort of a fuschia pink and I couldn't believe their limited supply. What a dumb fucking dream!!

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Wow. My grandma Marie died exactly one year ago today. I still remember my mom calling me at work and telling me and me crying a little bit. I remember flying back for the wake and funeral. I remember enjoying being back in Illinois, despite the circumstances. I remember going to Grandma's wake the evening that I flew in. I remember not knowing what to do with myself at the wake. I remember being uncomfortable shaking hands of all these srangers that remembered me from when I was young. I remember making the kind of small talk that I despise. I remember how hard it was to go up to the casket and look at my grandmother. I remember how poofy the mortician had done her hair and how if she was alive she would have been cursing at him for making her look like that. I remember seeing my uncle Abby and Mike both shaking with tears and how strange that was. I remember finally sobbing in tears, in private, behind the coat rack. I remember going outside alone, in the freezing cold to smoke a cigarette. I remember my mother looking very tired. I remember going to the Blarney Stone tavern afterwards with my brother and cousins and singing "I love Rock and Roll" while completely sober. I remember services at the church the next morning and reading the poems I'd written in the past about Grandma. I remember having people applaud after my poems and feeling strangely like a rock star. I remember the bitter wind and the sprawling countryside as they buried her next to my grandpa.

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Yesterday I went to the library and returned books and picked up three more. Then I decided to go get white tights (which I need for my Lil Red Riding Hood costume) so I hoped on the #12 to Gateway Mall (I hate malls, but sometimes it's sort of fun going)...I noticed that "School of Rock" was playing at the mall theater 10 minutes after I arrived, so I saw that. Cute, but nothing special, especially considering how many great movies Richard Linklater has done. This one just seemed lacking, but I enjoyed it anyway. Jack Black is funny, but enough of the ridiculous faces and fake guitar solos and stupid songs, ok?

Then I went to Target and bought my tights, plus some cool knee-high socks that I couldn't resist (1 pair red, 1 pair multi-colored stripes) and then before catching the bus home I had to have a hot pretzel. I like em with lots of salt and butter and some mustard to dip them into. Forget about all the nasty cheese sauces, etc, that they now offer you.

Know what's really good? My roomie Chris' home-brewed oatmeal coffee stout. I drank several pints of it last night. I also smoked several cigarettes and listened to Caesar and Herman Brood with Trace and Hans while Trace made home-made mac-n-cheese...I wonder if there is any left? Then I came upstairs and watched the season premiere of that 70's Show, which didn't seem to be getting off to a good start, though I liked Jackie's "daydream" sequence about Grease and how she's Olivia and Steven is John Travolta..."I got Chills, their multiplying..and I"m losing control. But the POWEr, you're supplying..it's electrfying..." Everybody knows the rest. I was singing it and Larry was looking at me like I was crazy. I can't believe he doesn't like "Grease"!!!

Then I was an a nostalgic moood, so I played an Xmal Deutschland 12 inch and a few U2 songs off of "Boy" and a old Cure 12 inch and Pussy Galore's "Cunt Tease" (which Larry wasn't impressed with..ha ha) and The Smith's "Girlfriend In A Coma" and David Sylvian's first solo album and then Larry played Clan of Xymox, which I decided I don't like anymore (though I did in the late 80's) and we were feeling sexy, and so we DID IT, and then I was feeling sleepy, only I laid there in bed for a good hour and then I got up and turned on the computer and read a few updates, but decided the computer was boring at that point so I laid back down and tryed to deep breathe and I finally fell asleep, only to dream of fingernail polish.