***************************************
Krispy Kreme Donuts and how there is a yellow sign-up sheet at work to get a box or two as some sort of exchange for something else like volunteering. This is making no sense. The glue factory is belching smoke out as the train clunks by on the tracks a block away. Walking home last night, listening to Mission of Burma and wondering if anybody in Springfield listens to Mission of Burma. "Peking Springs"....The act of walking down a street after work, in the dark, feeling leaves shuffling themselves underneath my preppy shoes (and red knee high socks) but not hearing the crunch because of the music in my headphones. Not hearing the cars. Not hearing anything but a song, and watching the cars and the restaurant lights and the yellow-bulbed streetlights with a soundtrack all of my own. It's almost like watching a movie while being in a movie, something I've never done before.
Nightly baths, grapefruit soap. Making a gasping sound as I get into a tub of water that is obviously far too hot for my tender skin. Watching as my abdomen and legs turn an unnatural red. Slowly lowering myself back so that most of my body (except for some part of my legs that the water won't cover) is submerged in this ugly yellow tub. The underwater sound in a tub when I ease my hair into the water...put my ears underneath, too. It's a beautiful sort of sensory deprivation, but I seem to have no patience for my baths these days. I get out before the water has even cooled. I stay in the bath for less than 10 minutes and then I worry if I'm wasting water, but it's a ritual I seem to have. I think I also do it as a way of "preparing" myself for Larry in case we decide to have sex, because I want to make sure I"m "clean"...It's also partially a way of preparing for sleep because it makes me drowsy. Lying naked on our bed. Closing my eyes. Wanting a cat to come up and sniff my back with it's slightly wet, cold nose. Wanting to feel the tickle of a tail along my legs. Wanting Larry to want me by seeing a naked woman stretched out on his bed. Sometimes I feel undesirable and I guess I think this will seduce him, which it does. Mouse is growling again. Her growling almost sounds like my grumbling stomach.
A red fox darting across a snowy field. A helicopter overhead. I try to think nice thoughts but sometimes that just doesn't happen. An arrow on a chalkboard. A pagan sex-cult (I think I had this weird dream last night having to do with some Wiccan Sex Cult)...a cucumber salad. A salted tomato. A fried bananananananananananana...should I go on? A red leaf the color of a pomegranate. A seed, a tulip bulb, a tiny silver back for a tiny silver earring..a tiny dolphin earring. Bird berries on bushes and trees. How I'm always tempted to eat them because they look so perfect, even though I know they are deadly. I imagined yesterday while taking a walk that poisoning oneself with bird berries intentionally would be a very romantic way to commit suicide. Isn't that stupid? I was listening to Echo and the Bunnymen and it was so dark out. "Happy Death Men stand in line....." The perfect sort of bass lines (Echo and The Bunnymen, album: Crocodiles)...I also saw these berries that looked exactly like raspberries, only much larger and a little less dark red, they almost had a orangey hue underneath the red. I wonder what these are and if these really ARE edible? Are they salmonberries? I'm not sure. I won't risk my life by sampling one, though.
