Ugh...I decided after 3 hours today of orientation for that phone job that I couldn't take it anymore and that I wanted to get out of there immediately!! (This was my second day, so in actuality I had 11 hours and 15 minutes of training that I will be paid a pathetic $7.05 for, but at least that is $50.00 or something) She told us this morning that whenever we get up from our desks to go use the restroom or even get a drink of water we'd have to sign this sign in sheet showing exactly when we left and came back (isn't that so grade school?) That really pissed me off, (like...what if I had diarrhea one day and was in the bathroom for 10 minutes,would I get accused of doing something else? And whose business is it if I drink alot of water (which is HEALTHY!) and have to pee once an hour!) All these rules and regulations and complicated bullshit just for bothering people at home on the phone for minimum wage..I was also getting more and more nervous (panic attack pre-cursor feelings) as the morning went on cuz we were gonna have to start calling people FOR REAL after lunch and I just don't think I can do it (You have to type EXACTLY what they say while still listening to them, etc..) I just freaked out inside and so I took the trainer aside and said a little lie (which is a partial truth)...I told her that I had just found out during break that I had been offered another job and that I just wanted to leave right now and not bother with anymore training..she was nice enough about it, but when I told the bitch of a boss person, she said "Well, break was at 9:00 and why did you wait all the way until 10:00 to tell anybody?" Like she was mad that they would have to pay me an extra $7.05 for pointless training..what a fucking bitch. Even if I don't get the job at PacificSource (it's not medical billing it's working in the claims department for an actual insurance company (something I've never done, but it translates pretty well as far as my billiing experience)) Oh well, so be it.

I got upset after I left...was walking down the street crying, even though I felt a sense of relief. Partly I just felt like a fool because I couldn't handle this stupid telephone job and I felt like a failure or something (I'm always so hard on myself, why is that?) I was also afraid Larry might be mad because I "quit" this shitty job, but he isn't of course and said I shouldn't dwell on it and that HE wouldn't even work that stupid phone job no matter HOW desperate for money he was, so that made me feel better.

Even though I am desperate I do think I have the right to be a little choosy about how I'm going to make my money (See, now I'm defending myself to nobody just because I feel guilty that Larry is having to help me out, but I should just enjoy it because I had to always be supporting Jason...it's my turn to be taken care of, I guess)...Anyways, I don't know why I thought I could do that phone job. It just wasn't what I thought it was..I had no idea there would be so many rules and regulations (which kill the fun of doing surveys for sure!)

Sorry..I'm rambling. I had a half hour to kill before Larry could leave for lunch and drive me home, so I was just walking around downtown Eugene rather aimlessly, crying and feeling like a total dork. There is a beautiful Catholic church, St. Mary's, and I happened to walk by it and I decided.."what the hell..I'm not a good Catholic at all cuz I hate the dogma, but I'll find peace and solace in here (if the doors are even open, that is)..the doors were open. That church is so beautiful inside...It reminds me of the Ivesdale church (Ivesdale, Illinois: population: 300. Ivesdale is where my mother grew up)..it was built around 1886...stained glass..nice wood, the works...but even as I went in the church, I wasn't sure if I was "allowed" to be in there..isn't that weird? I wondered if people could just go into the church and sit there and cry (like they do in the movies) and it was all sort of humorous in my mind..I was imagining a priest either #1 telling me to get out (which would have freaked me out) or #2 a priest asking me what was wrong and me heming and hawing about whether I'd even want to talk to the priest....I just pretended I was looking at the pamphlets and stuff they had on display. I felt like a fraud being in there because I always go off on the catholic church, but the churches themselves, JUST the buildings with their quiet darkness and their candles and wooden pews...they remind me of comfort, which I desperately needed at that very moment. Finally I left the church..I shoved a pamphlet in my purse..it was like I was hiding it from Larry (who is very un-religious and not even spiritual and I didn't want him to say anything or think I was weird for walking into a Catholic church crying.

I'm at home now...feeling better, though I'm SICK of the Atkins diet. Sick of eating meat and cheeese...I just want some god damn potatoes or french fries or something. I hate depriving myself of food that I like, it's so hard after awhile and I just don't know if the weight loss is worth it. I guess I'm just in a complaining mood right now. I'll be fine, though I have trouble stopping all the "you are stupid" "You failed" "you loser" sorts of thoughts that cycle through my head when I feel depressed or whatever. I think I should just go take a nap and pretend it was all a bad dream.