2004-03-01 : Is there something in the water? I'm emotional as all get out!
The train is going by in the distance, only it's hooking cars onto itself so I keep hearing loud metal clanking/booming noises. It'll back up and hook up and go forward a few paces only to back up and hook up more. I like the sound of it in the distance, but when I am in a rush and I am on foot and I'm nearly running to catch a bus, the worst thing in the world is when the train comes by and starts doing this hooking up/backing up manuveur, because it seemingly takes 6-8 minutes and I just don't have those minutes to waste, standing there in the cold while everyone else is waiting for the train in their cars and monster trucks and SUVS. They're listening to the radio or not. They are drinking something or not. They are gazing off into the distance and they are probably warm. I'm standing there, headphones blaring something into my ears, hands shoved into the pockets of my hoodie or warmer coat, little pieces of hair blowing against my face, sticking to the lip balm on my lips, shuffling my feet or maybe sometimes just standing completely still. Maybe if I stand still enough I'll be invisible.

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Hmmm..not sure where I was going with that.

I've been really moody the past few days. Yesterday we were driving to Dorena and I shouldn't have brought "Rubber Soul" to listen to because I just started crying and missing my mom (that album reminding me of her) and then I would be totally fine again and then start crying again another 7 minutes down the road. By the time we got to Larry's grandparents I was fine. She made roast and potatoes and gravy and applecake and I ate to the point of near-explosion (and so did Larry and he sat on the couch, right next to me, farting up a storm)

I felt sad again last night while laying in bed, but I pressed up against Larry's back and he held my hand in the dark and I willed myself to feel loved and not lonely and it worked.

Then today I felt mostly cranky, and I started to feel good when I was exercising but half-way through my dancing I just started crying AGAIN. Then I meditated and lit candles and asked for some sort of help from something I may or may not believe in and I felt myself feel better.

I colored my hair and watched the water (as I washed it out) turn from indigo purple to magenta to red to pinkish and I felt better. I walked to the bus in the sun and I felt better. I got to Larry's work and I was fine but then we must have both been in foul moods suddenly and feeding off each other because while grocery shopping I just started to feel cranky again and I've been that way off and on all night though I feel better since I've eaten dinner.

Right before dinner Larry drove me to where my job interview is tommorrow morning so I'd have a clear understanding of it's location. It's location is SHIT. The area around it looks really..seedy..really isolated. Full of big warehouse type buildings, no trees and it just feels like a place that would be totally unsafe for me to be walking around in the dark at night in the winter hours after work. I just had a sinking feeling about the whole area, plus there is no direct bus right to it, and I'd have a 15-20 minute walk to get to it from the closest busstop (which is not appealing in the dark) and it's also really close to the freeway. Ugh. I've already set myself up not to want the job, but I'm going in for the interview tommorrow just to get it over with. I'm really hoping more that I'll be hired on at the Thurston Medical Clinic, which is much further from my house, but in all honesty only a 15 minute bus ride from the Springfield Station (which is a 7 minute walk from my house) and it drops me off RIGHT THERE, plus it's primary care billing and not durable medical equipment (which I know nothing about anyway)..I feel like I'm wasting my time going to this first interview tommorrow morning but beggars can't be choosers. God, I'm just RAMBLING. Good night! Oh, I watched the Oscars last night...It was the most boring Awards show I have EVER watched...I was glad when Sofia Coppola won for best screenplay, though and I enjoyed seeing Adrien Brody ham it up with the breath spray. Otherwise it was like, dullsville! Maybe I should have sex before I go to bed..maybe that will save me from my irritability!