Today I woke up feeling alright, and then about mid afternoonish I felt this terrible/depressed mood sweep over me (Can Tylenol Non-Drowsy Cold Capsules mixed with St. John's Wort, Klonopin, Ortho-Novum 777, and atenelol cause temporary insanity?) and I got that horrible, lonely feeling that drives me to tears (sobbing, more like) and I don't know what I wanted or needed to comfort me or what my problem was besides my own stupid brain chemistry, but I just lost it. Then I "slipped out of the house" (I don't know why I decided not to tell Larry where I was going..it's like I was trying to make him worry about me or something, it's really retarded on my part...acting like a little attention-seeking baby) and I took my book down the street to Pioneer Memorial Park and sat in the shade under a tree and read a little bit and I felt more calm, but I knew I was just fooling myself. I decided to go back to the house after about 25 minutes because I was hungry. I was inexplicably frigid/cold towards Larry when he asked me where I went..I was just in one of those "I'm blank, I have no emotion, but any minute I"ll probably freak out" modes and I think I was sort of pissed because it was a beautiful day and I wanted Larry to come upstairs and say "Hey, let's go for a drive or a picnic or to the park like you wanted to do yesterday" but he was being Mr. Efficient Yard Work-Clean-Up-Junk-Around-The-House-Busy-Bee guy and I felt neglected, but I couldn't voice how I felt lonely and neglected because that would be just too fucking EASY for me to communicate that way, so I think I built up this resentment towards Larry as if he was ignoring me on purpose (which I knew wasn't the case to begin with..see how weird my mind/emotions get)...I feel SOO fucking needy sometimes and soo fucking lonely all the time because I have no friends here (I don't consider the guys that are my roomies to be friends, not really, I need GIRLFRIENDS..that is a COMPLETELY different thing..I worship girlfriends) but I left them all over the country (or they left me, which is not a guilt-trip towards Dutch-cheese, not at all, I'm truly happy for her and I hope she isn't in jail (that would take a long explanation, I'm not going into it!), but I wish she was here, even if it was just temporary cuz I need to be around some girl energy...and the one and only girl that has asked me to call her more than once is nice, she seems cool, BUT, BUT, BUT..deep down she makes me uncomfortable because she exudes this certain type of insecurity that makes her seem like a TOTAL Pretentious flake whenever I see her. We might have things in common, but I like really down to earth gals, and I don't think she really fits that category, but LISTEN TO ME, I am such a stupid bitch..I barely know the girl and I'm already calling her a pretentious flake.

Ok, I'm rambling. Back to losing control...I took some Ritz crackers up to our room and was eating them when Larry came bursting upstairs all pissed at my attitude about him trying to get stuff done around the house and me saying in a whiny tone "Are you gonna be busy ALL DAY?" and he was like "Ok, Let's go..where do you wanna go?" But he was really angry and I obviously didn't want to go with him ANYWHERE at that point and I started crying again and I felt a burst of blind rage hit me..I'm surprised my heart didn't explode and in my fit of rage I let out a weird animalistic scream and I violently crushed the rest of the Ritz crackers that were in the package in my hand and let the crumbs fall all over the floor (Hey..that is sort of stupid and funny in retrospect) because I couldn't find anything to throw or hit (and I really wanted to do something like that) and Larry got really pissed and yelled something about hating these sort of situations and he smashed his sunglasses on the floor and broke them (and in retrospect, THAT is sort of stupid and funny, too) and I went and sat in the bathroom and his cat, Mouse, came in with me, and I sat on the edge of the tub, alternating between despair, anger, calm, blank and back and forth again and I started calming down slowly (and I felt pathetic sitting in the bathroom, but I really felt right beforehand that I might hit Larry or throw something at him so I needed to be in a separate space)...Finally, I came out (petting cats makes you feel a little better, it really does) and we both apologized and the fight was totally over. Gee, maybe Larry and I both need some anger management lessons, huh? I hate those blind rages...esp. when most of the time they aren't REALLY directed or caused by anybody or anything, they just COME when I'm really depressed on occassion and they SCARE ME. Does anybody else get like this? (That's a stupid question, I'm sure it's happened to most people..maybe not a blind rage, but still...)

I'm figuratively out of breath from typing/rambling so much, so quickly! We did end up going to the pretty park on the top of the hill and everything has been fine since then, I'm gonna read and then go to sleep. God, I really hate my brain sometimes.

do the jerk * do the frug