Ha. Larry has fallen asleep on the bed. He fell asleep before 5:30 pm. I know the desire because I've been so sleepy all day. I CANNOT lie down (unless I"m reading or watching a movie) tonight before 9 pm or I will BE OUT. I started having a panic attack this afternoon at work. I took half a klonopin but it sure didn't kick in quick enough. I feel better now but still tense. Who knows why it came about. Stupid panic disorder and it's free-floating anxiety attacks. I had Larry pick me up from work so I wouldn't have to deal with 2 bus rides..just couldn't do the bus thing today. The things about panic attacks I hate the most are #1 feeling like I can't breathe (or can't get a deep breath) #2 Feeling like I'm in some crazy movie/time-warp (disorientation) #3 not knowing how long the attack will last. YUCK!!

I've been rediscovering nature since I've been working out where I work. I feel like I'm looking at nature the way a child would. I've been counting ladybugs when I walk to my busstop. Counted 12 yesterday. I saw a cutie-pie caterpillar crawl right by my shoe earlier today. I wanted to reach down and have it crawl up and down my arm like I used to do when I was a kid out at my grandparent's farm, but I decided against it. I was watching birds fly and looking at duck poop and wanting to trespass and enter the "old barn" (but it's on somebody's property so I won't be doing that)....I was looking at the huge shadows of the trees against the grass and sidewalks and thinking about how to describe that poetically without being confusing or cliched but I don't think I can. I want to write poems, but nothing is coming together in my head and my worst fear is to be cliched, so I don't bother to write down any lines that come to mind unless I think they are perfect (and perfectly original)...It seems impossible to write uniquely about nature (or love).

do the jerk * do the frug