2004-06-17 : In the Court of My Crazy Mind
Ok. I won't talk about my emotional freak out yesterday afternoon. I won't go into how my ID Badge/bus pass literally blew away (it was that windy) and that I have to leave work early to get a replacement. I won't talk about the fucking prick bus driver that wasn't sympathetic to my lost bus pass dilemna (I didn't have correct change) nor will I talk about how at the same time that I finally gave the bus driver $2.00 (the fare is only $1.25) how my lense popped out of my glasses. I won't talk about crying on the bus (hiding beneath big dark sunglasses) or how when I finally got off the bus I screamed "FUCK" and then started weeping again. I won't talk about the things I said to Larry about how I hate my life, our relationship and myself, and I won't talk about how I was so emotionally distraught from PMS and a general feeling of dissatisfaction with my life that while feeling hysterical in the bathroom, I actually thought about getting Larry's gun and blowing my fucking brains out (Don't worry...it was a fleeting moment of suicidal ideation..and it rarely happens to me, and when I feel that way it really scares me)...I managed to calm down and today I feel better, though I'm kind of numbed out. I feel sorry that Larry has to deal with my ocassional bits of insanity/depression/anxiety...I always launch into how I'm not sure I"m happy with him. I don't know why I do this. I swear that I create problems when there aren't any. Anyways, I feel almost back to myself today. I get so frustrated with Larry because I just can't relate to his seemingly emotionless personality. I start comparing myself to him and I feel like a lunatic with all the mood swings and the crying fits he sees...all the while he remains calm and almost "empty". The only emotion he ever really shows is anger, and that isn't that often. In some ways I think he's like a robot. I think he might be even more fucked up than I am inside but he has learned to control it so well and shove it so deep inside that he appears perfectly normal (if like a brick wall at times)..Surely he's gotta have all that "bad stuff" in him that many of us have felt at times...where is it? Maybe he really doesn't have it and I just want him to so that I don't feel like such a "crazy" person. Does this make sense? God, I wasn't going to talk about any of this. I was going to talk about how much I like Brian Eno's "Here Come the Warm Jets" and how I want to here more early Roxy Music (I love "Virginia Plain" but that is all I know of their early stuff) and how I need to re-buy King Crimson's "In the Court of the Crimson King" (though I can't stand any King Crimson songs where they start singing..I just love the dark, dark instrumental parts..and that about does it for me as far as prog-rock goes. Can't stand Yes, ELP and Pink Floyd (except "Piper at the Gates of Dawn" of course)....I always think of that scene towards the end of that Vincent Gallo movie "Buffalo 66" when I think of King Crimson cuz their song "Moon Child" is playing.

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Dream:

Last night I dreamed that my regular bus stop was in Ivesdale, IL right outside my grandmother's house (though in reality it isn't her house anymore, the family sold it 2 weeks ago..strange)

Anyways, I'm waiting outside grandma's house for the bus and suddenly I'm inside the house and I'm just missing grandma and talking to the people that currently live there about how much I miss grandma and I'm sobbing and feeling all the wallpaper in the house...the pattern was comforting me.

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