2004-07-26 : Fears and Phobias
I've tried (or is it TRYED? I'm a poor excuse for somebody with a BA in English...then again, it was creative writing, not grammar and spelling and usage..so I'm excused, right? Creative writers are allowed to do anything they want..including misspellings (on PURPOSE..ha ha), improper sentence structure, etc. Where am I going with this?? Who knows! Oh yea, I WAS talking about how I just can't continue reading Paul Auster's "Book Of Illusions"....It seemed like an interesting scenario from QPB descriptions, but in all reality I just can't get into it. Instead I fished out my Carlos Castaneda "Don Juan" books and I'm going to re-read all of those. I first read them around 1988 or 1989. Recently I've been re-discovering my interests in "shamanism" so I just feel like something is pushing me to read these books again. My mom took a very interesting class in Wisconsin on Urban Shamanism (sounds kind of cheesy, I know...but...well, it's hard to talk about this stuff in here without fear of ridicule) and she gave me this book/cd by Sandra Ingerman called "shamanic journeying: a beginners guide" (I'm feeling uncomfortable talking about this...it's sort of private) and anyways, I've read the book and listened to the cd and had some extremely interesting "experiences" (mind you, I don't feel that one needs to take peyote to experience "non-ordinary reality" so this sort of thing is connected to but differs from traditional Native American or Mexican Shamanism....) I'm always afraid of talking about anything too metaphysical or what is deemed "new agey" here for fear of people laughing at me (but why should I fucking care?)...I too have problems with alot of "new agey" things like crystals and I'm not so sure about chakra's, etc, but on the other hand, I've always been pretty open minded. So, I'll probably just write my experiences in my paper journal and leave it at that.

Anyways, that is where my sudden need to re-read Castaneda comes in and I am thoroughly re-enjoying "The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge"...anyways, enough of about this stuff. What else did I want to write about?? Oh yea, I have a "group interview" for a job at the University of Oregon's bookstore. The interview is could last as long as an hour and a half. This makes no sense to me. It's working a minimum wage job probably shelving alot of textbooks or doing buy backs, etc. (which I did about 13 years ago in Illinois for the University of Illinois' bookstore)...I don't mean to sound like I'm over-qualified (which I am, actually) or "above" having this job, because I'd actually like to do something like this for the time being, but I wonder why the interviewing process is so lengthy for this sort of job? Anyways, the group interview is next week.

I want to go see Napoleon Dynamite again. I hear they have now tacked on an alternate ending (or extra footage) or something..plus, I just fucking LOVED that movie. I've even been going on chat boards to discuss it (I really need a JOB, don't I? Ha ha!)

I also want to see "The Village"...I tend to like M. Night Shamalayan (sp?)'s flicks in varying degrees. He was on the "The View" today. He's kind of a sexy, funny guy (I find certain men from India or with that heritage extremely attractive..I love his particular skin color..it's just..such a nice shade of golden brown) and well, his name kicks ass. I guess he just goes by "Night" (rather than "M." or "M. Night"

I was thinking about weird phobias (or "near-phobias") that I have. I think I'll list them and tell you the ones I have worked through and the ones I haven't. Still haven't gotten over my driving phobia. The thought of driving a car any further than to the bottom of our street makes me feel a panic attack coming on. I still have "driving" nightmares..I always lose control of the car. It sucks. I'd REALLY like to get over this phobia.

I also still am somehwat phobic of getting pap tests and having pelvic exams. Just that whole gynecological experience makes me shaky, but when I do have health insurance I will go have it done because it's been a few years. I guess you could call this a functional phobia...I am extremely nervous but I have been pretty good about getting these things done every year or two (and I've never had an abnormal pap..YEA ME!) despite the fact that I have to have a friend go with me and hold my hand, and that I ALWAYS break into a nasty cold sweat when I'm on the table. Each time I go in and have the exam I get a little bit more confident and less phobic, so that's good.

I used to have an elevator phobia, but I got over that (I don't know how..I'm just not scard of elevators anymore)....

Other things that make me nervous or uncomfortable...riding a bike. I like doing it, but in the back of my head I'm always convinced I'm gonna have an accident (I think it ties into the driving phobia...not feeling like I have total control over this object. I prefer walking or taking the bus!) I also don't like the inside of my wrists touched or the front of my throat...I would never let the acupuncturist I had put needles on those areas, nor do I like them even lightly stroked....I have NO Idea why I am squeamish about those areas. I also freak out if somebody playfully puts a pillow over my head...I have a big "I'm suffocating, I can't breathe" fear..which is probably why though I enjoy swimming, I can't be in water for TOO long...fear of blacking out and drowning or something. Fears and phobias are so strange, aren't they??