2004-08-15 : I think it's time for me to sever some ties....
What a fucking LET DOWN of a weekend. My friend's (possibly ex at this point where Jill is concerned..) Jill and Eric came down on Friday night. We waited a godawful long time for them to show up (granted, it is a 5 hour drive or more down from Seattle)..They unfortunately waited until 5:30 pm to leave..stupid. They ended up getting here 7 hours later...at 30 minutes after midnight. Oh, I guess that would be 12:30 am. I was pretty tired of waiting on them, but was happy when they finally made it. The fighting between them (mostly Eric just doing something Jill doesn't like and her flipping out on him...that is how I saw it, anyway) began not even 2 hours after they got here. It was about 2 am and Jill and I were getting tired and Larry wanted to take Eric over across the street to briefly meet our neighbor Mike and Jill doesn't want Eric to go...I don't know why she feels she has to be so fucking controlling. They go anyway and they come back within 15 minutes or so and we all go to bed.

Yesterday morning/afternoon wasn't so bad. We ate delicious blueberry pancakes made by Larry and then we went to the coast (Hecate Head, as usual) and walked around and though they weren't formally fighting...every now and then little jabs would be made at the other person. Eric does alot of teasing and Jill has very little sense of humor (which is one major way that her and I differ..she's too serious for her own fucking good...it bugs the shit out of me and always has)...The beach was nice. Then we went into Florence and ate mediocre (but over-priced) seafood at a place along the water. Then we came home and went to the "shitty" bar. Jill didn't want to go in the first place because she doesn't like smoky bars or drinking or loud music or, well, she doesn't like much of anything sometimes. She's a big fucking complainer!! But she was a good sport and we all decided to go (with her stipulation of "can we only stay for a couple of hours or less"). That was fine with me because I was tired, anyway. We ordered some drinks and everybody seemed to be having a good time. Then Larry bought Jill and I this EXTREMELY potent drink in a 32 oz jar to share and that was just a LITTLE too much alk-he-hol for us (esp. Jill who is very thin and rarely drinks)...I was just sitting there feeling spaced out and drunk (but in a pleasant) way and then s uddenly Jill is yelling at Eric across the table because of something he supposedly didn't hear me say....it all just escalated with them bickering at the table (luckily the shitty bar music was so loud you couldn't hear alot of it but I could just FEEEL the tension)...and I have always hated it when they fight in front of me. It's completely rude. Now, I'm a hypocrite, because I've had fights in front of others with other boyfriends, but I really try to take it outside and away from the group. I hadn't seen Jill and Eric for a year and before they came down I was mentioning to Larry "God, I REALLy REALLy REALLY hope they get along and don't fight the whole time because that is the last thing I want to be around." So they are fighting at the table, everybody gets uncomfortable...and Chris, my talkative roomie is talking my ear off at the same time and suddenly the tension and activity at the table is just too fucking much. I'm too pissed off and slightly drunk. I grab my purse and go and sit at the bar to get away from everybody and I order a beer and just sit there staring at the Olympics on the TV and feeling irritable and weird for sitting away from the people I came with. Finally Larry comes up and I explain why I had to move and he says that everybody has calmed down and asks me to come back to the table, which I do. But not five minutes after I sit back down, Jill gets offended AGAIN at something Eric says or does and she just grabs her purse and sweater and walks out of the bar. I have NO idea if she remembers how to walk back to our house..I don't know how drunk she REALLY is, etc. I don't feel like chasing after her though I'm worried. I'm not gonna chase after Ms. Drama Queen. We sit there for about 7 minutes and then Eric goes looking for her and then Larry and I leave about 5 minutes after that. I find her on the back deck of our house, crying. I listen to her complaints about how fucked up Eric is, blah, blah, blah (the same shit I listened to for a year in Seattle..) for awhile. Then I took her upstairs and showed her our fish tank and she seemed to feel a little better. Then we all go to bed. Though We can hear that Eric and Jill are fighting downstairs (and possibly outside on the deck)..I don't know how long this went on..I could just faintly hear it because I wear earplugs to bed. The front door seemed to be slammed several times..I eventually went to sleep.

This morning I went downstairs and they were lying in bed..Jill looking depressed and possibly slightly hung-over, but everything seemed to be semi-ok. We get ready to go to breakfast. Norm comes home and he takes out his guitar and for some reason, a stranger being introduced into Jill's cranky environment just set her off (esp. when he takes out his guitar)...she barely says "HI" when introduced to Norm (RUDE! Totally fucking RUDE..I mean, he's our friend and partial roomie) and then he's about to play a song (he plays beautiful classical and flamenco guitar) and Jill just gets up walks out of the front room and out the front door (slamming it on her way)....I follow her outisde and she's sitting on her car and I say "Oh, I was hoping you would have stayed to litsen to Norm play a song. He plays great flamenco guitar, which I know you like." She just frowns and says "I just can't be in there right now." To which I kind of say "Ok. whatever." and walk back inside the house. Larry has Norm come to breakfast with us (which seems to piss Jill off even more..though she doesn't exactly SAY anything)..she's just sullen and cold and silent, and I've gotten to the point now that I just want to say "FUCK YOU. Just pack your shit up and drive back to Seattle. I don't feel like being around you, you self-absorbed little bitch." She really has made me this angry. So, Jill, Eric and I take Jill's car and follow Larry and Norm (who are in Larry's car) to Jake's Place. We eat yummy food and have good conversation. Jill sits there the entire time. Doesn't say one fucking word to anybody. She just sits there sulking, but at this point I don't care anymore. I'm not gonna let her bring my mood down. We got home and she sulked on the couch, and then I just could not WAIT for them to fucking leave. Norm was heading up to Seattle today and was gonna take the bus but Eric suggested maybe they could give him a ride since they had room in the car and that is where they were driving too, anyway. Jill obviously didn't like that idea, so she and Eric were semi-fighting about that. Eventually I guess her generous nature kicked in and they agreed to have Norm ride back to Seattle with them. I hugged them both goodbye (I didn't want to hug Jill or even fucking talk to her but I did anyway) and I just mumbled "have a good trip"...and then I went upstairs. I hope she got the clue that I was really pissed at her behaviour this weekend. I told her last night on the deck that it irritated me when her and Eric fought in front of me, and she apologized but I really don't think she gives a shit. I just would like to tell this to her "Look in the mirror. Stop blaming all your problems on what other people do to you and other external situations. I think you create your own chaos and problems yourself."

I really don't know if I feel like having much contact with her anymore. I felt like we were growing apart BEFORE I left Seattle and now that she was such a RUDE bitch nearly the whole time she was visiting (and I haven't seen her in a YEAR!) it just made me realize that I'm sick of being her counselor..that I can never really be myself around her (mostly because she has no sense of humor) and that I don't like that kind of person she has become. I don't know how I'd have the nerve to let her know that I think our friendship has ended for me...I really don't know what to do. This seems like a good time to break it off. I won't stay mad at her forever but it'll be easier for me to go my separate way from her.

So, so much for a "fun" weekend with friends. Oh well. God, it felt good to vent that all out. I wish her luck and I hope she can get her shit together but I just don't want to be involved in her life anymore. Maybe that makes me a shitty person, but so be it.