2004-09-07 : Why can't things come simply? Or am I not paying attention to the RIGHT THINGS?
I need to start meditating again..it is just a simple fact. I need insight into many, many things and I need to start to learn to be more positive about things that I can't seem to change currently (like feeling stuck in this town, like being unemployed and broke)..I need to start praying again to the universe to give me what would be best for me.

I called two temp agencies today to get the ball rolling on finding SOMETHING...clerical, whatever. I might have to resort to going back to medical billing. I'm giving myself one more month and then I'll look for medical billing jobs again. The people at the temp agencies are nice enough (though I always detect this superficial tone in the way they speak) but I always end up feeling like a loser after I talk to one of them. I think I just FEEL like a loser. I called OfficeTeam and talked to somebody named Amy and told her I was interested in Office or Clerical work and she said I had scored low on Microsoft Word (though I KNOW I can use it for writing letters and things, so who really CARES!) and that just made me feel bad because I have many good clerical and customer service skills but they seem to base things on tests. I just find that stupid. I also have this feeling that my contacts at Accountemps think I'm neurotic and flakey and don't like me. Maybe I shouldn't deal with any more temp agencies but I'm not having much luck finding a job through other means like the paper. Maybe I'm really not MEANT to have a job right now, even though I have a hard time dealing with that. I also feel so guilty having to have Larry constantly support me. He doesn't complain, but I don't think he would even if he was REALLY tired of it. He keeps many things so bottled up inside. I just hope he doesn't explode at me one day. I wish he'd tell me when/if things bothered him WHEN it happens. I'm trying to stay positive, but I just feel like lying in bed and crying instead. I need to get out of this potential funk/depression. I need to start exercising again, but I just get so fucking lazy. I'm really frustrated with myself. REALLY frustrated. Please send good thoughts my way!!