I thought I had it under control today. I ate eggs and toast and had some herbal tea and didn't give in to the temptation to eat all the mini Snicker's bars sitting in a bowl on the kitchen table. I took a shower and the melon body wash I used made me nearly orgasmic (Ok, that's an exaggeration!) but as soon as Larry called I just felt my mood drop. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe it's because whenever he calls from work we always have the same conversation:


Me: Hello?



Larry: Hey.



Me: Hey.



Larry: What's going on?



Me: Um, nothing much.



Larry: So, what are you going to do today?



Me: I don't know...maybe watch a movie/go to the library.



Larry: Cool. So, what do you want for dinner?



Me: I don't know. (Or sometimes I do have an idea and then I tell him)



Larry: Ok. Well, I gotta get back to work.



Me: Ok. Talk to you later.



Larry: Ok. Bye.



Me: Bye.





Occassionally we'll have a slight variation on that where he'll ask how an interview went or blah, blah, blah. Sometimes we say "Love you" and other times we don't.

I don't know. I get REALLY tired of the routine of our relationship, and then I get mad at myself for being so picky. I also feel guilty and slightly trapped because he is completely supporting me financially and therefore I feel like I have no right to bitch about anything. I feel like I should make his life when he gets home as comfy and stressless as possible but sometimes I just can't stand the kind of person he is. There, it's out. Lately, he's just been bugging the SHIT out of me. He is ALWAYS making little "put down" jokes at my expense and he immediately says "I'm KIDDING!" but I just don't think it's funny anymore. He either doesn't speak of much of anything at all or he is a smart-ass in a way that just grates on my nerves. I've told him twice recently "You know...I actually am sort of tired of the way you are teasing me." and he'll sincerely apologize but he has such a shitty communication style sometimes. Argh. My sex drive seems to have vanished for the most part...and recently I've found that I'm having sex with him to please him, not because I'm really in the mood. Maybe there is nothing wrong with that. I never make the first move anymore...maybe it's depression..maybe I don't love him anymore...maybe "the thrill is gone"..I just don't know. And so just because he complained about having to take me someplace after work to get a money order (the place in the town that has the CHEAPEST money orders) I just feel anger come spilling out. I don't show it on the phone, but when I sit down and suddenly start crying then I know there is something wrong. I don't know. I'm all confused. Larry isn't even really doing anything wrong but I feel sick of him anyway. Know what I mean? It sucks to feel this way. I swear that I'm addicted to the "infatuation" stage (which lasts 6 months or so for me) and when it is totally gone, I get so antsy...and it's stupid because I KNOW the infatuation stage can NEVER last, but in all honesty I just wish it would. I'm not on the verge of breaking up with Larry or anything of the sort because I really DO love him but I wish things were different in our relationship sometimes. I mostly just wish my life was different.

Ok, some positive things. When we were at the Eugene celebration, I signed up to win a free massage from these two ladies. Right after I walked away I just KNEW that I would win a free massage. My intuition was crystal clear and then I promptly forgot about the whole thing. Well, Lo and Behold..I got the mail yesterday and in it was a coupon for the massage/Reiki treatment..so sometimes good things DO come my way and I'm looking forward to going in on Sunday and getting some free body work!

I just started reading "Round Ireland with a Fridge" by Tony Hawks. It is HILARIOUS!! It's the true story of Tony Hawks and a bet he made with one of his friends during a particularily drunken night that Tony couldn't hitch-hike around the circumference of Ireland with a mini-fridge for a month. The bet was 100 pounds, so he took on the bet, flew to Dublin, got the fridge and the book is the story of his (mis)adventures. He's a first-class comedian!! Highly recommended!!

do the jerk * do the frug