2004-10-21 : Should I Stay or Should I Go?
I wish mom would send me an email from Italy...surely they have little internet cafes and she could send off a short "It's wonderful here, I'm not coming back" email, but maybe she hasn't thought about doing that. Still...I miss her and want to hear how's she liking Italy WHILE she's in Italy!

Speaking of going places. Tracy and Hans and I had a long and fairly intense discussion last night while at the "shitty bar." Granted, we were all kinda drunk, so things (even things that are truthful get so much more DIRE and exaggerated) but they really think I need to get the fuck out of Eugene/Springfield. I tend to agree 90% with them but it's a very hard decision to make, especially in regards to Larry. He won't budge from this place. I don't want to split up with him but I really don't think I can live here more than another year. I'll be lucky if I can take a year. This town just isn't working for me. It never has. I could go and stay w/Tracy and Hans for 3 months in Holland, or I could move back to Illinois and live w/mom until I get my own place, I could possibly live with my brother in Denver for awhile if he'd have me, or I could move back to Seattle, or I could move up to Portland (which seems like the idea that appeals the most to me and is also the easier to do and it's still close to here in case Larry still won't budge.) I'm hoping that if I eventually move to Portland and he really wants to be with me he'll move there, too, but I have no guarantee of that. No matter how much I love Larry, I can't base my entire life and existence around him. I have to live where I'd happier, with or without him, ultimately. It's an extremely HARD thing to think about sometimes, though, and it's a hard decision to make...leaving (especially if it involves leaving him)....I dont' plan on uprooting immediately (Last night we were all saying that I GOTTA GET OUT NOW! But that isn't realistic. I committed myself to volunteering at WomenSpace for 6 months and mom is coming to visit during Christmas, etc. But I hope that in a year or so that I'm outta here, and hopefully Larry and I are starting a new life in Portland or Denver or HOlland or wherever. Anywhere but here. Granted, I feel a little better about my life since I started counseling, volunteering and adding the 5-HTP to my supplements, but eventually I know I will leave this place, I'll have to.