2004-11-16 : Oh Poor Me, ad nauseam, infinity..blah fucking blah
Can you hear my constant sighing? I feel so fucking DISCONTENTED! I'm also sick of whining about how unhappy I am in here but I don't know what else to do. I keep going to counseling but in all honesty, it doesn't help me much (counseling never really has)...I don't have many friends in town to vent to and I'm not the type to vent all the time anyway..I just keep it inside (or let it bleed all over my diary)...I want OUT. I want out of this town. I don't know if moving to Eugene would even help. I need CITY. If it can't be Seattle (which I don't think it can be..Larry would NEVER go for it) I want it to be Portland, but I realize that I Won't (and most likely can't) move without him, so I need to find a way to get unstuck from these feeling of hating this fucking town(s)...Yesterday I just crawled into bed around 1:30 and cryed because I felt like it and because I had nothing better to do. The volunteering isn't making me feel better about things..in fact, the thought of taking crisis calls at WomenSpace is giving me a feeling of dread. I'll do it, but sometimes I Just feel like quitting everything before I've even begun. I think I've been a quitter all my life. I quit girl scouts, cross country, bullshit clubs in high school, dance classes in college. Ok, who cares about some of those? I've also quit marriages, several boyfriends, etc. Now, if only I could quit important things, such as feeling constant self-pity, and smoking while drinking beer. Ugh. I just feel like a fake and a fraud and a neurotic freak. But then again, I don't know many people that DON'T feel that way sometimes. I guess I'm in good company.

A few positive things to balance out this "poor me" pity-fest. I made a double batch of banana walnut bread and it's delish (Why do I always mention food when I want to talk about something "good and positive"?)

I watched this movie from the mid 60's that I rented from the library called "A Thousand Clowns"...it kicked ass. Anybody ever seen it? Jason Robards is amazing in it, as is this child-actor named Barry Gordon who plays his nephew. Good flick.

Well, there you go. That is my positive PARAGRAPH. pathetic.