2004-11-26 : Larry has nothing to say, so I guess I give up. Fuck it. I'll either learn to accept him for his flaws or I'll end it one day
I feel numb right now. It's a way of protecting myself, I guess. I'm tired of bursting into tears so easily. I'm tired of most things. I'm tired of complaining. These diary entries all sound the same these days, like some fucking record that keeps skipping on an unpleasant sound.

It seems like Larry and I have been bickering, or treating each other like shit, more and more recently. I told him I was tired of all his little "jokey" put-downs, insults and all the other juvenile ways in which he thinks he is teasing, but is really just digging at my self-esteem. As I attempted to discuss how I hate how we are treating each other (esp. the way he is treating me) early this afternoon, he attempted to walk away (his usual defense mechanism) and I sobbed "Why can't you just FIGHT?" and he said "because I hate FIGHTING!" and I said "Well, we need to get this out...we don't have to yell or hit or anything, but we have to talk" and so he stood there as I told him what was bothering me. He said that I'm negative all the time and that it pisses him off (but he couldn't give me any examples so I'm not entirely sure what he defines as me being negative)..I admitted that I have always been rather negative and some of that is a symptom of having problems with depression. I told him that I thought he was also extremely negative, and that he bitched and complained about things as much as (if not more than) I do. I told him that when I first met him that he didn't snap my head off, boss me around, and that we didn't treat each other like this and he said "WEll, yea, I'm more comfortable with you now." And I said "So, when you get comfortable with someone, then you can just drop your "nice" act and be a jerk? That makes no sense. Why would you treat somebody you love that way?" He nodded his head. He knows what I'm talking about but he never has anything to say in response for the most part (except to say "That's just the way I am." or "I've always been like that." or "I treat everybody like that." I just started feeling more and more frustrated as I told him how trapped I feel. I told him how hard it is for me that he seemingly has control over everything (financially), etc. but that he can't tell me what to do (he sort of said "Get in the shower before we go to the bank" and I didn't NEED or feel like taking a shower and I said "Don't tell me what to do." and then he said "You are acting like a bitch" and then that REALLY set me off. I'm acting like a bitch when I tell him not to boss me around? Jesus. I told him that sometimes I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing here or with him when we act like this towards each other. He had nothing to say. I told him that sometimes I felt like it'd be better if I just moved to my own place (though that is financially impossible) and he had nothing to say, and then I said "You know...your relationships will never last if you can't communicate." And he shrugged in acknowledgement and then I don't remember what I said, and he had nothing to say. Then I said that he stuffs everything down and it seems like he is a boiling pot just about to be on the verge of explosion. I said that other people had commented on the fact that he seems like a walking time bomb sometimes, just waiting to explode (other people HAVE told me this) and then he said "Yea, maybe I will explode one day" and I said "Great, and I'm sure I'll be the one it's directed towards. I can't wait for that day to come." He has nothing to say, and then finally I just gave up. I felt so hurt and mad that I threw on warm clothes and he asked "Where are you going?" and I said "I'm just so fucking mad right now..I'm gonna get out of here." and he had nothing to say. So then I left. I took the bus to the MALL (the last place on earth I wanted to be on the biggest shopping day of the year) and paid $1.50 (all the money I had in the world) and saw "Taxi" which was a bad movie but at least made me laugh. I dreaded coming back here but I was cold and hungry and so here I am. We aren't speaking, though it isn't like we are ignoring each other...He's now watching some movie and laughing and I wonder if he even thought about anything I said after I left. I still feel hurt and he seems to be acting like nothing even happened, which is so very typical, and so I write in here because I don't know how else to get it out, when the person I'm having a problem with just isn't emotionally available to have these discussions.