2005-06-24 : Panic Attacks AGAIN
I have some of the bestest Diaryland buddies. There are my homies (ha ha) in Alabama. Ruthie and Bruce, I'm ALMOST done with your package. I hope to mail it out in the next week. Hope you dig all the music and the other special surprises!

Then there is xmasface/Buddy/Jonee. He sent me a cool letter and a super cool Wizard of Oz mouse pad, which I received in the mail yesterday. I feel loved!! I hope I'm good at returning the love.

It cheered me up to receive his little package because I was on the verge of tears. I've noticed for the past couple of weeks that I have this annoying habit of not being able to fully relax. I don't think I even relax in my sleep. I'm not THAT stressed at work or in my personal life, so I don't know what is going on. It's freaking me out, though. It's pointless to go to the doctor (I do have an appointment with a new doctor..but I have to wait until towards the end of August) and complain that my panic attacks are starting to occur again because they really can't do much for me except suggest counseling (which doesn't help!) or for me to get back on an actual anti-depressant with an anti-anxiety component, which I DON'T WANT TO DO. I also don't want to up my dosage of klonopin because I'm afraid I'm already slightly addicted. Klonopin (and lying in a quiet, dark room) is the only thing that seems to make a panic attack go away for me at this point. I try the deep abdominal breathing, but it doesn't work quick enough (or maybe I don't focus on it long enough)..anyways, I HATE the goddamn panic attacks. I wish they'd disappear for GOOD, but I know that I'll probably have this problem for the rest of my life. Anyways, I don't have much else to discuss. I'm glad it's Friday!