I felt safe and secure in my little QA Room, doing my new job, with two VERY cool and very empathetic and warm individuals...we were tight. Now I'm back in the cubicle farm....I don't know who I freak out with my "displays of emotion" (which means sitting quietly at my desk when tears roll down my cheeks...these are the tears that I couldn't quite get out in my bathroom trip 15 minutes earlier..they are leftovers...) So, I was upset at lunch and I was walking with Larry during our break and telling him I don't want to be back on this team, working for this supervisor and I was crying and that in turn just led to feeling really sad about Sarah. When I start crying about one thing, I end up crying about EVERYTHING that makes me sad and frustrated and angry.
I don't sob at my desk..I don't even ask people to come over and comfort me..just a few tears and if it feels like a tidal wave is coming I go back to the bathroom for privacy.
My supervisor calls me in to her office late this afternoon. She says that some people have come to her ("not negatively, not complaining" were her words) expressing concern about my emotional state since they saw me crying (all of these people know about my sister, etc.)
Supervisor basically says in a nutshell that she wants to make sure that I don't end up disrupting the team with my crying. She says it would be best left in the bathroom (and she REALLY implies that it would be better if I would just leave all my emotions, esp. grief, AT HOME, because too many bathroom cry sessions would be noticed and obviously "not very productive")...She also says the clincher..the MOST F'ING INSANELY INSENSITIVE AND MORONIC THING: She says "In all honesty, I think you have been on the verge of being UNPROFESSIONAL!" I just sat there and nodded (fuming in my head, biting my lip to hold back those UNPROFESSIONAL tears)..When she implies that, though it's difficult, it'd be better if I could sort of come to work and leave my emotions at home, I said "Well, in all honesty, that is IMPOSSIBLE for me. I can't do that." She didn't say anything (oh, and not once did she ever say "I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this pain"..nothing, nada)
Then again, this was the supervisor that didn't even BOTHER to maybe get me a sympathy card and have my team sign it when my sister was murdered. So, To Grieve at Work is Unprofessional...Just a warning to you all. It's the latest strategy to keep us worker bee robots in line in Corporate America. There are many other slightly insensitive things she said, but it's all just a blur of implied "Why can't you move on, why can't you stop being emotional at work..I mean, it's been 4 months now!" WHATEVER. It just makes me so angry and so sad that most of the world has come to this. I could tell that she obviously didn't understand the difference between grieving for a loved one that was ill, etc. and grieving for a loved one that was murdered. She says she knows a lot about grief and that everybody else on the team does as well. I just laugh at that..it's so deluded.
So, I'm going to harden my heart and wear a plastic smile on my face...and if I CAN'T erase my grief...they can't FIRE ME...screw it. (I'm being a little sarcastic..I have to grieve..I have no choice in the matter!)
Now I just feel numb. Sometimes that is better than feeling anything at all. Sorry this post was so long.
