This how my day has gone so far:
Woke up on the couch at 7:38 am and decided to get up. The reason I slept on the living room couch is because mom has been throwing up off and on for the past 36 hours and she wanted me to close to her room. Then I went into the kitchen and grabbed a Tillamook Vanilla Bean Smoothie and sat on the couch and slowly drank that. I gathered my nightguard/ear plugs/red pillow and took them upstairs to the bedroom where they properly belong. Then I came downstairs for awhile and checked my email and blah, blah. When I went outside to stand on the deck I once again had a warm feeling in my heart by looking at all of our plants and the flowers that have bloomed on them and our Quan Yin statue. It was chilly out still but extremely fresh in that Pacific Northwest way...wet without being wet if that makes any sense? The sky was very blue and I let Missy The Cat out to bounce and bound around the yard and I sat in the rocker and thought about very little..just spaced out. I did notice all of the little plums hanging on all the plum trees in our backyard. They are a beautiful shade of blueberry. When I went upstairs Larry was watching Rick Steves on TV touring England. I wasn't paying much attention as I sat down next to Larry. I suddenly started crying and I got my hankie from the nightstand and when Larry asked what was wrong I said "everything, nothing..I'm not sure." I then talked about how the moodiness could be me putting myself back on birth control pills. I also expressed how frustrated I am by mom's illness and how afraid I am that she will die soon from it. We talked about our relationship (or lack of) and at least we pretty much feel the same way...we aren't giving up but we realize in some ways it is a lost cause but we are just hanging on because we aren't totally ready to let go and you know what? That's alright. We aren't hurting each other. He then asked me to lie on the bed with him and he was very sweet and comforting as I cried some more about all the chaos that is the past 9 months. We started talking about libido and I started telling him about how women need a little romance in their lives and eventually we went downstairs. I sat out on the deck finishing Jennifer Lauck's "Still Waters" and playing with Missy and then Poppy jumped down from the lower roof and a hissing and growling fit began and it just made me laugh. Then Mom came out and told me that she was on the phone with the oncologist on call because she'd thrown up a bunch again and so we took her to the hospital and from 1pm until 5:30 I sat in her room and started Murakami's "Dance, Dance, Dance" while she was pumped full of anti-nauseau meds and some fluids so rehydrate her. I went down to the gift shop and bought a Whatchamacallit (I hadn't eaten one of those for ages), a packet of sunflower seeds and three little balls of Lindt chocolate (yum)...Larry came and got us and we stopped at Wendy's and even though I was still full of chocolate and sunflower seeds I ate a 1/4 Deluxe Double Stack (Cheese, Pickle, Mustard only) and now I fill fat and comforted and am praying, praying, praying that mom doesn't throw up again in the next day and that she regains some of her strength. I wonder if she just had a flu bug? It's so hard to say. I'm glad to be here rather than in that hospital room. I've grown used to hospital rooms but I fucking HATE them even more than before.

do the jerk * do the frug