2006-12-01 : I'm scared, but of WHAT?
I just took an on-line IQ test just for the hell of it. I hate these tests and I wanted to see how I did when I guessed through all of it or just went with some "instinct" when it came to picking patterns, etc. I scored 100 which is average. Interesting. I am of average intelligence but because I am well read and a good listener and oral and written communicator I think people might think that I am actually more intelligent than I actually am. Did I just talk in a circle or WHAT? Intelligence means so many things. There is book smart and then there are street smarts and then there is common sense...I'm average in all of them I would suppose (maybe higher than average in common sense)...

I think I'm writing about this because I just watched "Good Will Hunting" on On Demand. I hadn't seen it in awhile. I still like it but it doesn't blow me away the way it did some people.

I don't think I have actually LEFT this house for 4-5 days. I know I've been sick but some of it is not wanting to be around people..go out..etc. I feel safe in my coccoon. I'm not afraid to grieve or cry or anything in public but I can tell that I need to get out today because it just isn't healthy not leaving the house. I know I am somewhat depressed (but not overly) because I've been lying around in pajamas, dirty hair, etc. But I could just blame that on having a cold and a sinus infection, but it is also lethargy/laziness, which goes hand in hand with feeling down. It's ok to feel down, though. I have plenty of reasons. I will have a day when I feel more UP and hopefully I will write about it.

I'm so excited to go travelling in the Spring but a part of me is full of panic. I don't even know why. Maybe it is because I'm not planning it all out and I'm used to having more control over situations. Maybe I'm afraid of horrible things happening while I am there because part of my grief is to be paranoid of non stop catastrophe (which is normal)...I just need to chill out. What will be will be. What will happen will happen. I will be with Tracy and Hans for the first several weeks and not getting out there on the road alone (or with Tracy) so then some of my fear of "culture shock"..yea, I'm afraid of culture shock..that is what is freaking me out, should have subsided. I seem to be reading all these travel guides and travel memoirs (just finished Steinbeck's "Travels with Charley" and have decided to re-read my fave Kerouac book "The Dharma Bums"...I guess it makes sense that I want to read about other experiences of travel, but yet, I need to make my OWN experiences. I'm just being self critical and neurotic. That's ok. I'm proud to be both self critical and neurotic (sometimes!)