2006-12-12 : Is this Apple Cider Vinegar curing me or pickling my brain?
I'm feeling tired and sort of...down, I guess so I don't know how this entry will go. I've just started taking Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar with my meals (apple cider vinegar supposedly helps you lose weight and is a very good tonic, full of vitamins and has strong curative powers) and I'm also taking probiotics (liquid acidopholus + a bunch of vitamins and herbs) because I'm taking antibiotics for a sinus infection and the antibiotics kill off both your good AND bad bacteria and it ends up giving me diarrhea, etc. I think the liquid acidopholus is helping (because it puts back good bacteria into your colon)...Anyways, I am taking the vinegar in water right before or after my meals. I will let you know if you can actually lose weight. If so, who knew the power of apple cider vinegar? Actually, it is an old folk remedy/tonic that has been around for ages.

God, that was EXCITING, wasn't it?

We got our Christmas tree today. It is nice having a potted tree and knowing that it is still continuing to live and grow and that we can plant it after Christmas is over. I have come to hate how many Christmas trees are killed each year, yet I love having a fresh tree rather than a plastic one. I decorated it today and also put some red lights up that borders the archway between our dining room and living room, so I guess I'm sort of feeling the holiday spirit.

Tonight, however, I was putting something in the kitchen cabinet and just started bawling. It was this huge wave of grief. I think it was because I caught a glimpse of some Cream of Wheat cereal and this high protein shake mix that my mom was trying to be able to keep down in the month or so before she died. To think about how much of an effort it took to find SOMETHING she could eat and that her intestines (which had pretty much shut down) would tolerate just made me incredibly sad. I just thought about how thin she grew (shit, I'm crying again) and how there wasn't anything anybody could do for her. My mom loved food and was a good cook and to die basically of starvation was horrifying, I'm sure, not only to her but to those of us around her. I miss her so much that sometimes I don't think I can stand it but I manage to wake up the next day and feel ok for the most part. But these grief triggers (which can be anything) can come along and just change a smile into a sob in just a matter of seconds. It sucks, sucks, sucks.

I'm also concerned about Larry and I. We care for each other but I really think we are short changing each other. We both would be better off with other people, but I can't stand the thought of not living with him and being with him. It's very confusing to love someone but not BE in love with them any longer. I talked about this with him tonight. It is the same old "wait and see if it gets better because it isn't quite bad enough to end yet" and I know I'm stalling because I'm going to Europe and I don't want to have to move out and pay rent and worry about what to do with the cats while I'm in Europe. Larry said that I could still live here even if we do break up, which I really think I could do, but..fuck..I can't really explain it. I just don't have the energy to give out love the way I used to be able to..and I don't know when I'll get that back. It isn't my fault or his..it is the last year and it's trauma and the way it has scarred my heart. It takes a LONG time to heal from these losses and I know I will never be completely healed and I'm fine with that. What am I trying to get at? I'm lonely, I guess. But I don't want to get some shitty job just to be around people. I don't know. Maybe this vinegar is pickling my brain! We'll see how I am tommorrow. Good night.