I just ate some frozen (ok, I baked them in the oven) taquitos...pretty nasty but I enjoyed them anyway. I made a whole batch of butter cookies (the kind of dough you refrigerate for several hours and then roll out)...I felt honored (and slightly sad but mostly nostalgic and happy) to be using my mom's pastry cloth and her rolling pin...I used some festive cookie cutters (just like mom used to do with us kids when we were little) and we have christmas trees, candy canes, stars and stockings. I also made powdered sugar icing and colored it with food coloring and now we have green xmas trees, yellow or blue stars, red stockings and canes..(just like mom used to have us kids do)..I'd NEVER done these cookies on my own..it was a lot of work but I felt so happy and it was like mom was baking with me. I even wore her old green and white striped apron while baking. I'm trying to lose weight (by drinking apple cider vinegar in water with meals) but fuck it..I'm eating the butter cookies, too!! Ok, this is really rambly, which is my nature, after all!
My moods (and my spasms of grief) have been really up and down this past week. I attribute some of it to the beautiful malachite jewelry (necklance and earrings) I bought recently. Here are some of the "supposed" health benefits of wearing malachite (which is almost a primary green but slightly bluer than that!): Anyways, it is purported to detoxify the emotional body, release negative/painful emotions, clear and release old traumas from this life (and past lives). It also detoxifies the liver and gall bladder, and brings those things we deeply internalize out into the open. It can aid in childbirth labor and also in therapy and recovery (emotional). It protects against psychic attacks (? Not sure if I believe in that!) and also protects from other people's negative energies. It can also protect against POISONING (? WTF?) Well, ok then!! The lady that sold it to me (and this pamphlet that I just paraphrased from) said to not wear it on a daily basis as it may make you feel emotionally uncomfortable, so wear it sporadically. It's very ironic that I was drawn to this booth at the holiday market (well, besides the fact that Larry was buying his mom some jewelry from there)..I started talking to the lady and told her I was looking for some stones to help me deal with my sorrow and with massive grief and she told me about malachite. I started to tell her the story about Sarah's murder and then her eyes popped wide open and she said "OH MY GOD..I MET YOUR MOM last year when she and your aunt came to my booth"...She said mom had talked about her own health (cancer) and about the tragedy that is Sarah's death and that she was so stunned. I had to sadly inform her that mom had passed away on September 19th and she was sad to hear that, but still..it was cool to know that she had met mom and talked with her. Ok, my last thing about malachite is the fact that I've been wearing it off and on all of this week and have had two extremely intense waves of grief. These "waves" have lasted longer than normal and felt extremely...agitating. I thought I was losing my mind at one fucking point and whether it is the stones bringing up more of the deep-seated anguish or whether it is just coincidence, I'm not sure. Anyways...sobbing and doing this silent but open-mouthed screaming that I do is extremely exhausting but I know it is REALLY helping me get this crap out and it is very cleansing. I also feel really good for a few days or more after I purge myself of these terrifying emotions. I went yesterday to the mall (fucking mall...argh..hate them!) and searched and searched for a green shirt or sweater that was very similar in color to malachite and finally found ONE! It is a tricky color to match. The green has to have a definite blue base and it can't be too dark and teal is TOO blue. Anyways..I'm sure this is boring people to death. Go back and read my entry from mid August 2002 to see what I was doing then?? It'll probably be more entertaining than this. God..why am I putting myself down? That is stupid.
It is actually sunnyish and close to 50..I might walk to the library and return the books I checked out. I couldn't get through either of them for some reason. "Artifical Happiness" just PISSED me off (google it) and "They Call Me The Breeze" was entertaining and hilarious up until a certain point but then it became sort of disjointed and I lost interest. I'm re-reading "The Joy Luck Club" (easy to reach for since it was on my book shelf) and thoroughly enjoying it again. I think I'll re-read all of my Hermann Hesse stuff. I can't seem to find my copy of "Steppenwolf", though and maybe I never actually owned it?? Maybe I'll walk down to the library. Maybe I'll eat some cookies. Maybe I'll watch "Midnight Cowboy" again. I hadn't seen it since we studied it in a film class I had in college. I really love that movie!!
