After I got home I felt the floodgates opening. I was glad that I was feeling SOMETHING again. No more of that numb/robot bullshit, but I was also afraid at how full-blown my "shit fit" was going to be because I knew I was in for a huge emotional storm.
I went into mom's room. It is the crying room. It is the room with the dark peach walls. It is the tarot room. It is the meditation room. It is the room that she died in. It is our guest room. It used to be our TV room. It is also a room that I sometimes journal in.
Missy the cat came in and I lost all patience with her need for attention and screamed at her to GET OUT! She ran out. I rarely take my emotions out on my beloved pets. I never hit them. I rarely yell at them and I felt horrible that I scared her.
The tears start. I am drowning in them. I am open-mouthed. I cannot scream but my heart is screaming. My stomach is clenched up like a fist. The sun is beautiful through the window, through the snow. I am losing control. I am sobbing and I am feeling ANGRY. So much anger. I need to break the window. I need to trash the room like some stupid rock star. I need to burn things. I need to shoot a gun. I need to break everything within range of my hands.
Larry comes in as I have my swollen face in my hands. He strokes my head a few times. I tell him he doesn't have to stay. I tell him to lie down (because he is sick). I tell him that I need to be alone.
The rage is almost blind because though I am in the moment, I am not really me. I am possessed by something else. I remember clearly what happens next but yet it is also a blur. How come things be a clear blur?
Larry comes back in again. I am shaking with fury. I am mad at the murderer. I am mad at mom for leaving me. Hell, I'm mad at Sarah for leaving me, too. In my head I ask myself "Do I need to go to the emergency room?" because my fury is scaring me. I tell Larry that I feel so angry and need to break stuff but that there is nothing to break.
I take two antique magazines and thrust them at the wall across from me. I don't care. Let their pages rot. Their pages fall apart. I don't care.
Larry says "well, that's real good." because he sees that I have caused the antique magazines to lose their covers. He knows I will be upset with myself when this tantrum is over. He goes out of the room and comes back in with some old newspapers and junk mail magazines and tells me to "rip away."
I can't rip at first. I can't catch my breath. I can't see straight. Then I start ripping and shredding. I throw paper all over the room and once, just once (I think...maybe twice..I forget?) I scream at the top of my lungs. I scream "FUUUCCCKKKKK!" and I tear and rip more and the neat carpet is cluttered with paper. I am breathing hard. I am feeling exhausted. I ask him for more material and I rip all of that to shreds too, tossing it everywhere and feeling annoyed when some of it just falls back upon my head. Larry just sits silently on the couch, next to me. He has toilet paper for me to blow my nose. I rage and sob and I rage and I sob and then I am quiet and then I cry and I don't know how long this goes on. My hands have little cuts from the papers (and staples in the magazines). I reach for a vase to hurl but Larry is too fast and he won't let me break that (thank god).
I move to the floor. I feel like dying. I feel myself growing limp. I really dont' have anything much to say. I just feel DESTROYED by this past year or so. I calm my breathing. I blow my nose. I need to lie down. I ask Larry to bring me a plastic bag. I put all of the shredded remains in the bag and the floor is clean again. I take it out to the kitchen and put it beside our stacked up recycling. I go and pick up Missy and I hug her to me, though she squirms a bit. I tell her "I'm Sorry" over and over again and I cry a little bit into her seal soft fur. I let her go. Larry leaves the room. I lie down on the futon and stare at the pattern of the tapestry I have thrown on the back of the futon. I finger the patterns and the fabric. I calm down. I take off my Malachite jewelry and leave it there for the next time I need to become unfrozen.
