I've been in Denver for a week now. I've had moments where I've enjoyed myself but mostly I just find myself being really bored. I can't even explain it. I think I've been sitting around this house too much. Mike has to work every day (which isn't his fault..obviously) and I get to hang out with Carie and Jo, which is cool) but....I don't know. I already miss Oregon. The altitude here is still fucking with me. I feel tired and lethargic and I walk 7 blocks and it feels like I've walked 50. If I would have known that Larry and I would reconciliate (is that a word?) I wouldn't have come a week early. Two weeks is just too much time here..being stuck in this house. I guess I'm depressed..but I don't even know about what. Part of it is grief...it never fully goes away. Mike has pictures of mom up and when I look at them I just feel so sad because right now I can't remember what she looked like BEFORE she got sick..before I saw how thin she continued to grow....what she looked like when her hair fell out...the way she looked a few days before she died. The way she looked the DAY she died...these images are SO painful...just thinking about her makes me cry now. What is the LESSON I am to learn from this? What is the lesson I am to learn from Sarah's murder? I don't believe things just happen...there are reasons behind things....Maybe I will write a book about all of this and that will be my saving grace, but for now..I just don't fucking know.

Mike and I went for a little walk today. Walked down Welton (he lives in what used to be and sort of still is "The Hood"...5 points)...We found this "ice cream and coffee cafe" (which is perfect because most people love ice cream and/or coffee) called "Blackberries"....which reminds me that there is a pint of blackberries sitting in the fridge that I need to eat before they mold. Anyways..I had a hot fudge sundae and it improved my spirits.

Mike and I went to Larimer Lounge on Friday night and saw 4 bands..I liked all of them except the second one....the sound was too muddied or something...Talked to some very nice people about music, etc. Mike was talking to the bass player of this band, Black Lamb, and it was funny because they are both 6 foot 8. I felt like a little mouse standing in a forest when I was talking to both of them at once. They bonded over their height, etc. I can't imagine being that tall. It obviously has it's advantages and disadvantages. I drank 4 beers (which is a lot for me..especially when I'm a mile high...didn't really feel drunk) but I felt so hungover yesterday....no matter how much water I drank or how many ibuprofen I took, my headache wouldn't go away. Drinking on Wellbutrin isn't such a great thing anyway..but at least I know I can get away with drinking 4 beers and not "blacking out"..

I miss the cats. I want to go home. Hopefully I'll have some more fun before I go back to Oregon. I'd like to see some more music. God, if only Eugene had the scene that Denver does..I'd be much happier there!! I miss Larry, but probably not as much as he misses me...I am still happy with my decision to give our relationship one more chance or whatever but I still feel kind of dead inside when it comes to love and romance and trying to make a relationship work. I'll do my best, though.

I finished reading Frank McCort's "Teacher Man"..I really enjoyed it. Makes me think I'd like to teach high school or something. It was a really funny read, too. He's got such a great sense of humor. Then again, don't all the Irish (including myself? ha ha!)

Hopefully this restless feeling will go away. I think I'll be feeling restless until I get on that fucking plane for Europe.

do the jerk * do the frug