I had a massive panic attack yesterday morning. It seemed to have lasted about 30 minutes, but I can lose track of time when I get one. It was scary because it hit so hard and so fast and the medicine didn't help as quickly as it normally does. I hate the feeling of complete disorientation and my hands will get numb or something and I will see myself, say, pick up a glass or open a door, but I can't FEEL myself doing it. It has elements of being stoned or taking acid and I get freaked out wondering when it will finally subside. I've had 3 panic attacks (the other 2 much more mild and short lasting) in 4 days. Normally I can go months and months without having one. What is going on with me? I think I am using my light therapy lamp too much and it is over-stimulating something in me, so I will watch that. Anyways, I have an appointment for next week to see my therapist and I have started keeping a "panic attack diary" so I can track patterns, etc.

I walked to Blockbuster yesterday. It was a 30 minute walk and was good exercise and it was lovely out. I love sunny, blue sky October days where all the leaves are so vivid on the trees, yet enough have fallen so that I am able to shuffle and crunch my way through them. I love the smell of dying leaves on the ground. It is a sweet and musty smell.

I rented "Inland Empire"..I wanted to see it on the big screen but was in Europe, I think, when it was released and I didn't end up going to any movies while in Europe. I love David Lynch, and was not prepared for how scary "Inland Empire" was. Before I watch his films I prepare myself for a lot of non-linear plot, surrealism and confusion and beautiful and disturbing imagery. I never really "understand" his movies but I don't care about understanding them. I do prefer the more straight forward movies such as "Blue Velvet" (my favorite) and "Wild At Heart" and I love anything he uses to allude to his love of "The Wizard of Oz" (which is my favorite movie as well). Normally I watch his movies in the theater or if at home, I like to watch them at night with no lights on. But I was frightened during "Inland Empire" and had to have a light on. It didn't help being alone in this big dark house, either. I really liked it though it was hard for me to watch at points. I did the stupidest thing: There were two dvds: the actual movie and then all the extras. I didn't even pay attention and ended up playing the first segment on the "extras" dvd.."Other Things that Happened" (or something like that)..and when that ended I THOUGHT that was the movie and I was really disappointed..it was too short and WAY too disconnected (even for Lynch) and then I realized what I had done and I laughed out loud for 5 minutes. I then knew I had to sit through the actual movie (nearly 3 hours) but it was worth it. I really liked the Polish elements. It is a pretty language and it reminded me of being in Prague (though Czech sounds a little different, obviously) for some reason. Laura Dern was absolutely stunning in this, though sometimes I don't like looking at her. Her long, long neck freaks me out. I don't know why.

Anyways, I'll watch the other extras later and maybe watch the movie again to pick up things I didn't notice the first time around.

I also rented the entire first season of "Dexter" which I am excited about watching. One of my friends recommended it to me and I don't have Showtime and wasn't able to ever see it.

Larry and I are IM'ing each other. It is nice to still be able to communicate when he is 15 hours ahead of me (he is working the night shift over in the Philippines)..I miss him though..more as each day goes by that I spend alone.

I am reading Janet Fitch's "Paint It Black" which is a good read. I'm not sure I like it as much as "White Oleander" but I still think it is a great read. She portrays grief really well and I like the 1980's LA punk rock scene as a backdrop. She always develops such rich characters. I wish I could write fiction. I mean, I can, but I have no faith in anything besides my poetry.

do the jerk * do the frug