*yawn*..I had trouble falling asleep last night. Partially it was because I couldn't stop reading my book ("Paint It Black" Janet Fitch) and partially because I am the ringleader for a circus of 4 cats and 1 bounciing off the walls kitten. They jump, and hiss, and growl and eat and scratch in litter boxes and meow at nothing or at me and scratch at the door (like dogs) to be let out and I love my cats, but..DAMN! Give me a break. I want to yell "GO TO SLEEP!" as if they are little children, but they just look at me with their hypnotic glowing green yellow eyes, their whiskers still. They sit like statues in various places in the room and when I look up sometimes they are all staring at me. It would seem the beginning of a horror movie if they weren't my own chaotic, crazy, cute cats.

Enough about cats. I AM going out of this house today. I was so grumpy (and even took it out on poor Larry who is working in the Philippines until Nov. 3) yesterday and I know it is because I having been spending too much time alone and too much at home. I just get lazy or something. Today is sunny and looks to be the kind of Autumn day I love, crispy leaves and some wind. I've got to go to Fred Meyer to pick up more "make me calm" drugs and then to two different banks and while I am at it I think I will go to J. Michaels bookstore since I have a $50.00 credit there to buy books (which makes me excited)..I sold them a bunch of my books. I like to recycle my collection (except for all-time favorites)

My friend (and massage therapist) is back in town after traveling parts of England with her mom and so I hope to hang out with her on Saturday. Maybe we'll drink some tea or get some dinner or go and have a drink.

I keep having to remind myself that I DO have friends in this town and that I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I'm just bad about calling people and there is still a shyness in me (slightly) that I never got rid of after leaving high school (wow. I graduated 20 years ago. Holy shit!)

I've been listening to Jango a lot. You go and create your own "radio stations" and you can tune into other people's stations with similar taste in music. Quite a bit of music is on here that I can add and love, but there are still plenty of bands that I am unable to add. They are still in their Beta stage of this site, though. I've got a station called "Catholic Guilt" which plays mostly indie rock stuff (and a lot of Sonic Youth), I've got a station called "Dragging the Delta" which is old blues, "Haw" is old country or more modern alt-country. I've got "Blank Generation" which is mostly 70's and 80's punk rock. and stuff like Echo and The Bunnymen, The Cure, Bauhaus and all that sort of stuff. "Psych out/Wipe Out" is all 60's classic stuff mixed with more obscure garage rock and 60's "punk" and then I have "High on Sugar" which has Weird Al Yankovic, Daniel Johnston, William Shatner, Yoko Ono...you catch my drift.

Anyways, panic levels have been low to nill for the past few days. I am limiting my light therapy to 20 minutes and no more. I think it really was overstimulating me.

Last night I was lying bed and had all these lines of poetry/idea for stories coming into my head but I didn't bother to write them down. Oh well...I am feeling creative today. I really SHOULD carry around a little tape recorder only I would feel so silly having people see me talking into it...but screw what other people think!!

***
update: Started writing a story about the old family farmhouse in rural Illinois. I want to write about being a kid and going to visit my spinster great Aunts, Minnie and Frances. My mother was named after Frances. Those aunts remind me of powdered cheeks and old lady glasses and the best Christmas cookies.

do the jerk * do the frug