God, I don't even know what I am trying to get at. Maybe I need to go back to counseling, but I honestly don't think it helps me all THAT much. I feel like running off to Europe or SOMEWHERE. I feel happiest when I'm traveling (even if it's going down to Grants Pass for a weekend)..but I can no longer afford to do these sorts of things.
I won't even call it depression, because it just doesn't FEEL like depression (which I've had a lot of experience with feeling throughout my life). It is just an emptiness. I just feel dulled around the edges. I feel like there is a tiny hole in my heart and it doesn't really cause me pain but some sort of rust just slowly corroding..Ok, now I'm just being melodramatic. Maybe this is all just part of the grief process. Who knows. I realize I can't feel hopeful and happy and excited every day that I am alive. I just would like to feel less BLAH. But what do I do about it? Do I read books about living in the moment and taking pleasure in the simplest things (like the seeds and bulbs I planted several weeks ago that are sprouting like mad? Like the way my cats look as they are curled up in their various beds, sleeping and twitching in their cat dreams?) I know how to do all of these things but I still feel such a void. Will it go away if I have a child? What about if I land a really rewarding job?
Maybe I should just focus on one or two things that would be good for me to do on a more regular basis. I need to start exercising again. Either dancing or walking an hour per day. I also need to start meditating again and I need to try to write more (not just diary/journal entries, but poetry or fiction...stream-of-consciousness or even contrived bullshit, it doesn't matter)..I just need to stop wasting so much time on the computer looking up movie stars on Wikipedia and watching endless movies. Those habits of escapism are hard for me to break though because I REALLY enjoy them. Ok, enough of this introspection.
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I'm NOT pregnant. The clomid I took last month just made my period REALLY late. It also caused me to have several LARGE ovarian cysts (which the fertility doc found on my ultrasound yesterday)...he was surprised that I haven't been having any physical pain from them. I guess I'm lucky.
The plan is to skip clomid this month and just try the good old natural way. If the cysts are gone next month, then we'll try a lower dose and see what happens. If the clomid doesn't seem to be beneficial to me then we 'll try some other things. I still have a good attitude about all of this. I'm not too disappointed. I realize that it will happen when it happens. I guess the same thing goes with getting a job. It isn't like I'm not making an effort. There just aren't a lot of jobs out there that I am qualified for OR that I want to do. At some point I need to set a deadline for myself, though, and get some sort of care giving job if medical billing positions just aren't coming through for me. Luckily I AM still able to survive without working, but that won't last through September and I'd like to have SOMETHING in my savings.
A few days ago I found out from my victim's advocate that the MOTHERFUCKING murderer FIRED his attorney very recently. I guess he was feeling pressured to plead guilty or take a plea bargain or something. He doesn't want to take responsibility still (God, of course not. I think part of him had thought by now that maybe he was having some sort of regret or remorse, but I'm incredibly naive, obviously!)....Poor guy beat the shit out of her but didn't mean TO KILL HER. Boy, I feel So sorry for him. It must be tough being him. Pathetic excuse for a human being (and I usually don't feel that way about ANYONE, but he really IS nothing but dirt beneath my feet!)
The courts MAY decide that the trial is not going to be delayed and that he is just stuck with his "pushy" attorney. More likely, though, they will let me get a new attorney and that will def. delay the trial because the new person will need time to prepare. The thing that is so frustrating is that we aren't buying our plane tickets until we KNOW for sure that the trial IS happening, and nobody knows when we'll know if the trial will be delayed or not. The tickets are going to be insanely expensive. Hawaii in the middle of summer. Fuck. Man, fuck him. I think one reason I've been feeling really bitter and shitty the past few days is that I'm so angry ALL OVER AGAIN about the fact that he killed my sister and that my mom isn't around anymore and that my life was NOT supposed to be like this. Ha ha. What WAS it supposed to look like? I have no idea.
On a positive note, David Cook won American Idol. Ha ha...just kidding. I don't give a shit (though I thought he was sort of hot)...Larry actually left it on American Idol last night and we watched the fucking finale. George Michael was on. He looked (and sang) like a vampire for some reason. I couldn't stop laughing. I felt sorry for him for some reason. Why am I talking about this? Jesus. BYE!
