2008-06-08 : Missing mom and having a bad panic attack!
I am REALLY MISSING MY MOM right now.

Today I put on my mom's sweatshirt (it's chilly in the house even though it's June!) and thought nothing of it. Well, that's not true. I did think it was HUGE (and my mother was not a large woman..just average sized, slightly above average as far as being tall, just like all of us women are) but I remember how she always preferred things to be very loose and flowing on her for comfort.

Then when I sitting on the deck outside, drinking blueberry tea and eating the dolmas that I had Larry pick up from the deli last night, I suddenly looked down at my mom's sweatshirt, as if noticing it for the first time. It's cutesy and silly (It has a picture of a pig on it) and says "This little piggy went to market.." (that saying always reminds me of my mom for some reason) and it's a souvenir sweatshirt from Pike Place Market in Seattle (so it says that at the bottom of the t-shirt)..and I had this almost flashback of mom visiting me when I still lived in Seattle, and going to Pike Place Market and her buying this sweatshirt, and I just start crying. Now I can't stop. I miss her so much. It makes my stomach hurt. I can't believe that she died almost 2 years ago. I would give anything to see her again or to talk to her on the phone or to eat a piece of her delicious rhubarb pie or to hear her laugh and see her smile. Fuck...I hate this. This hurts. Then I start missing Sarah, too. But, mostly I can't REALLY think for too long or too deeply about Sarah anymore. What happened to her was so horrific, that it was never seem real. Mom's death seems real. I mean, I was there. I saw her dying. At the time I was very calm. This house was very calm and we were all trying to comfort her, and she didn't suffer much and she died quickly, but to see your mother waste away in your back bedroom is horrible. To know that there is nothing you can do to save that person is horrible. To know that they are leaving you forever is horrible. It was such a mixture of overwhelming sadness and relief (relief that she was done with her suffering, with her grieving, with her life that had turned to shit since Sarah was murdered) when I was woken up just a minute or two after she actually died. I remember touching her feet. I squeezed them. They were so cold. Her eyes were staring blankly at the floor and her hands were sort of curled into her chest. The next few days are somewhat of a blur. Your mind can only handle so much and then it shuts down and you go into zombie mode. You make preparations and somehow find time to eat and you try to lie down and sleep and you stare at the television screen, but you are just blank. I miss you! Please visit me in my dreams!

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I had a really bad panic attack yesterday afternoon. It struck so quickly that by the time I walked from the couch upstairs to the bathroom to get my sedatives (I knew it was coming..my hands were turning numb very quickly and I was feeling disoriented) it was full blown. No gradual build up. It's almost like a seizure, but you don't go blank or seize on the floor or anything. I can only contribute the fact that I had one because I was really dehydrated yesterday. I was slightly hung over, and that didn't help. I written up and printed out these instructions for Larry: "What to do when Stacey has a panic attack". It describes what panic disorder is, and gives possible symptoms (and I give my own version of my own symptoms) and how to try to help me when I'm having an attack. Larry was a the store. Though they can't really make it go away, I prefer NOT to be alone while having this sort of attack. I also convince myself that THIS time the attack is NOT a panic attack but a stroke or something else. I even told myself to "smile, talk about something, raise your arms, open your mouth and stick out your tongue" (some of the things you do to test whether or not a person is having a stroke)..which makes me laugh now but I just had to make sure. My brain really misfires. I can't feel my hands at all. I try to do deep abdominal breathing but it takes a lot of patience and effort for that to actually take the attack away. I paced and sat down and then paced and then sat down. I tried telling myself that I would be fine and that this would pass soon, but it is so fucking scary. Many experts think that "fighting" the attack makes it worse and that you just have to ride it out. Sit there and just let it take its course. This is So hard to do, because you are so afraid. Distraction DOES help me, though, and so after about 30 minutes of this attack (it was starting to slowly subside right at 30 minutes) I called Larry to see how soon he'd be home. I told him I was having a really bad panic attack and he had me stay on the phone and we just talked about food I wanted him to get at the store and once my mind was focused on that I could feel the attack going away almost instantly (or the meds were finally kicking in)....Now I'm afraid I'm going to start having them more frequently, but I don't think I will. Who knows, though. That is part of the scary thing...they come out of the blue, for no reason. I won't be stressed out or anything and one just hits me.

Ok, I feel better now that I've typed this all out. *BIG, LONG deep sigh*