2008-06-18 : SICK OF THIS! SICK OF MYSELF, mostly...
I don't know if anybody knows, but when I blow my nose it is typically in a soft (sometimes, semi-used) cotton handkerchief. More often than not it has roses on it. Red, or more likely, some sort of Tropicana coral.

I admit that I'm drunk. Sometimes i don't know when to stop. I am even having trouble typing this out. It's pathetic. Why would any baby soul want to inhabit MY body?

I am a fool. I try to talk to L. about how I feel and it just comes out a blubbering mess.

It just makes me want to be alone. I said "nobody knows what to say or do...they have good intentions...but fuck it." I just feel SO ALONE!!!

My brother might understand what I'm feeling but honestly I feel like he is totally vacant. I can't talk to him. He can't to me. We can barely carry on a "normal" conversation sometimes. It's more fun to just listen to Jo and Carie repeat phrases and sentences "Where is Stacey?" Jo says "Where Tace?"

Everybody is just so tired.

I used to want to tell EVERYBODY that my sister was murdered and that my mom died 10 months later from ovarian cancer and grief, but now I don't think I want anybody to know. I just want to pretend I'm "normal." What the fuck is that?

I don't remember anymore, but I sure am a good actress.

And tonight I will sleep downstairs, and I will get up several times to pee, and I will most likely wake up somewhere between 3:30 and 4:30 am and I will take my sedative early in order to fall back asleep, and I will dream of sex or Europe, but I won't dream of how much I miss Fran or Sarah...because I am TIRED OF THE LONGING. I am tired of the trauma. Fuck this heartache. I am going to sleep. I just want to be alone with my sorrow. Even those with the best intentions just don't know what to say. I don't blame them.

I probably won't even remember writing this. I don't even care.

I will be hung over at work tomorrow but I will get through it. I am strong. It's only data enty, for Fuck's Sake.