2002-06-21 : Panic Attacks AND Crow Attacks
I've neglected you, electric diary, for a couple of days. I've been feeling withdrawn, and that means I've been avoiding contact with you as well as everyone else (sort of). I feel better right now. Had the worst panic attack yesterday afternoon that I have had in over a year. It was one of those full-blown "I can't breathe-I am so dizzy-I feel like a ghost-I am so disoriented-I can't breathe-oh my god I think I'm gonna faint-I can't breathe-everything sounds too loud-the light is too bright" panic attack. Having a panic attack while alone in downtown Seattle amongst tall buildings (which make me dizzy anyway), loud trucks and cars and tons of strangers is just the worst scenario ever. Or I thought, until I managed to take klonopin (which didn't kick in for about 20 minutes. 20 minutes of Dali-esque panic!) and I'm close to my busstop and managing to still walk upright and not look too obviously terrified and insane when I come across a protest going on in Westlake Center. Great! A large crowd (did I mention I hate large crowds when I'm NOT having a panic episode) of people ANGRY about some injustice done to them (I'm sure their cause was good, but nothing is good while panic has you in its metal grips)...I managed to get past that and once on my bus things became more and more calm. Jason was in a foul mood. We have been so distant from each other lately. We are on different planets. We need a bridge. It makes me sad and angry and frustrated and sometimes it makes me apathetic to all of it when I just give up and numb all my feelings out. We ate at a chinese restaurant. I had burst into tears right before we went in cuz I could just FEEL Jason's terrible mood and he was driving violently (which always scares me...violent is an exaggeration..ok he was driving aggressively and too fast for my liking) and I grabbed his arm when in front of the restaurant to calm him and I just said "Stop. Just Stop" and he said "I don't think I want to have dinner with you after all." and I said "Why?" and then I burst in to tears and told him how much my panic attack had terrified me and I couldn't quit crying, even in the restaurant. I avoided the poor waiter's eyes (whom I'm usually really friendly towards cuz we are regulars) and I mumbled things like eggrolls, mongolian beef, rice into my lap cuz I couldn't face the chinese waiter with tears streaming down my face (ok, I'm sounding so melodramatic). Jason translated my mumblings and we got our food. I had asked Jason to do a summer solstice ceremony with me. I thought he might like it as he is open minded about my Wiccan/Buddhist/Catholic/Taoist tendencies. He agreed to participate. This was a mistake. He was totally not into it. I should have known he wouldn't be. He wasn't raised with any sort of religion/spirituality much at all so I think the idea of wanting to be spiritual is foreign to him. I don't think he thinks about it whatsoever. THen again, I guess many people don't. Yet I know he doesn't consider himself an atheist. Anyways. I'll write about my summer solstice ceremony in my next entry. For anyone inclined to go off on me and make fun of my flaky, new-agey, Wiccan tendencies...don't bother to read the next entry, and oh yea, FUCK OFF! just kiddin'!!

One more thing. Today I saw a sign posted by part of our outside commons area..it was roped off with red DANGER tape too. So I was like..what is this all about? The sign read "Because there are young crows nesting in this area, Adult crows have been displaying aggressive behavior towards pedestrians in this area. This should only continue for another couple of weeks." I am just imaging all these cawing crows dive-bombing unsuspecting corporate yuppies (and other people that aren't yuppies) on their lunch hour. I feel more sorry for the crows and their babies than the assaulted lunch-doers. Reminds me of Alfred Hitchcock. Yowza!!