2002-06-24 : Drama King and Drama Queen
Oh diary, my life makes me weary, sometimes. Let's see. Saturday was a good day. A fine Day. A sunny Parade Day. Jay and I woke up early (early for us is before 10 am on the weekends) and we decided to get a move on so we'd have a good spot to view the Fremont Summer Solstice Parade. I've never been to this parade, and damn..it RULED!! I applied generous amounts of 45 spf sunblock all over my bare skin (Jason wasn't wise and forgot the sunblock..he is rather pink and crispy now!) We ended up sitting on a corner, right where the parade takes a turn onto another street. First came the nude bicyclists (which is the secret reason everyhone REALLY goes, I'm sure)...They were great..Flapping penises, bare butts, perky breasts all cycling by slowly. Alot of cyclists had theme ideas. Some were painted blue, others silver. One particuarly cute woman had painted blue and orange flames all up her naked chest and she had orange and blue streamers in her hair. She was fire goddess. One lady was all silver. Several people had attached flowers and plant parts to their back and breasts, etc. They were great!!! The cops didn't even hassle them which was cool, cuz I've heard that in the past they've arrested the nude cyclists. Anyways...besides them, my favorite part of the parade where the drag queen nuns who had their faces all done up in white. Goth nuns that were 6 foot four. They had really creative costumes. Jay got an awesome photo of Drag Queen Nun vs. Jesus Rose From the Dead Jesus Freak. There were 3 men with Jesus Signs and they were all spouting ignorant propaganda about homosexuals and sin and how we should all cover our eyes when the nude cyclists went by. I kept yelling at one of them "Hey! Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged" He said "That's beside the point." He was a damn fool with an ugly mustache. Everyone in our area was cheering on the nude bike folks and drag queens and boohing the Religious Right. We kept yelling at them to go away. To leave us alone. But Jay got a picture of one of the drag nuns smiling at him while standing next to one of jesus freaks whose sign (on the back) read "And Jesus Rose From the Dead" and here was this drag queen next to him w/ghostly makeup...great paradox!! Sunday was full of emotion. Jay and I were driving around doing weekend errands (getting sedatives, getting groceries, developing film) and he said "I'm gonna move to Austin." I was insulted. He didn't say "We should move to Austin." or "Tater, would you consider moving to Austin" He just said it as if he'd be leaving me behind. Hello! We are married, you selfish prick!! I told him that there was no way in The Hottest Hell that I'd be moving to Texas, period. I hate hot weather and I want to remain on the west coast forever. He then got all bitchy and didn't wanna talk about it and made him put away all the groceries while I sat, sobbing, on our patio. I wrote in my journal an entry/slash-letter to Jason about how Selfish and Self-Absorbed he has become and that by saying things about where he's moving, he isn't considering my future, only his. I also wrote that no matter how many times he moves. How much better a climate might be, how much better a music scene in a town might be, that he will remain depressed, self-hating and unhappy no matter where he goes or what he does, unless he fixes the pain that is eating away his insides. He knows this totally true, but I still see him making no attempt to call for a counseling appointment (I've reminded him like for 5 days in a row). Anyways..I told him he should just move out and leave me in peace to sit and look at the lake and not have to listen to the same complaints over and over and over again. I had to get outta there. I grabbed my blanket (made by the Amish or Arthur, IL..I love this blanket/throw), a book, a bottle of Sobe and some peanutbutter snack crackers (and my keys) and walked down to the park that borders Bitter Lake. I sat on my blanket, sobbing and thinking "God..what should I do about this?" "God, give me an answer" and blowing my snotty, snotty nose of my brown shirt (disgusting, but what else could I do w/no kleenex?). I laid down, looked up at the trees and the sun shining through the leaves and I wept (God, I'm being DRAMA QUEEN!) and then I started to feel better as I communed with nature and watched Canadian geese eating grass and the water and the sun and a silly little dog that came in a furious trot to chase the Geese out into the lake, and I realized that in the Universe, I am nothing really but an ant and my problems and Jasons problems and all problems just don't really matter and I should stop being so stuck inside myself, and then I calmed down. Jay came looking for me a half hour later with a little bunch of wildflowers he had picked for me as an apology of sorts (very sweet) and he had brought my journal with a letter in response to my entry about him. He just apologized for being so self-absorbed and confessed how utterly depressed he'd been, suicidal even, the past several days, and I cryed some more and we laid on the rug and it was better and I think we'll both survive!!! I hope he'll get counseling though because he mentioned in his letter that he'd contemplated buying a gun, and that just scared the fucking shit out of me and I reminded him that if he killed himself he'd be ruining several peoples lives, including mine. I hope he'll be ok. Anyways, later we went to Mr. Bills and I ate such greasy good food such as a Pastrami and Swiss grilled sandwich, coleslaw and the biggest, fattest, greasiest onion rings on earth and I felt much better, though very much like a glutton. I hope my emotions are on an even keel this week cuz last week (esp. the weekend) was a rollercoaster ride. Anyways, here's to brain chemistry, yahoo!!