2002-08-01 : Nature or Nurture? Hungry or Tired?
I am pretty hungry and I have to go pee so I'll probably make this short. I woke up today at 4:45 am out of a deep sleep already having a full blown panic attack..it SUCKED! I wonder if I was having a nightmare or not breathing or something. ANyways, I am tired cuz I couldn't get back to sleep for an hour. I didn't get up until 8:15 which means I didn't get to work until 10:00, which means I gotta stay until 6:30. But I don't really mind. I shouldn't have eaten some of these delicious, greasy onion rings last night cuz when I woke up out of sleep, on top of the panic attack, I had horrible indigestion from the greasy rings and I kept burping that taste. YUck, Yuck, Yuck. I feel fine now. I wish I wasn't here. I'm not really having a BAD day, though. I just refuse to have bad days anymore. I just will not allow myself bad days (yea right...bullshit!) but seriously, I want to just be happy...no matter what. Even if it means pretending that at first, if I convince myself enough I will be happy..I am that suggestive! I really wanna be hypnotized. I wonder how much that would cost and if my insurance would cover any of it. I wonder if it could dredge up stuff I've blocked out from the past and help me get through this WHATEVER that makes me so moody and anti-sex and fearful and phobic and anxious...could it be something bad from my past or is it ALL brain chemistry? I debate this in my head constantly (and the voices debate back...he he..jsut kidding. I don't hear voices!) Well...What else..nothing else.. See ya!