2002-08-07 : Tappy's Birthday leads to free association about LSD
My friend at work, L. came over and convined me to go to Tully's (god..I hate TUllys and Starbucks..I like little hole-in-the wall, independently owned coffee houses) to get ice cream. Despite the fact that it got real crowded in there suddenly which made me feel really confused for some reason, it was worth it cuz the vanilla ice cream was exceptional. Soft serve, but it was really "vanilla beany" in flaovr and I could see the black bean flecks in the ice cream. Yum Yum. I took a klonopin and I'm feeling loopy right now. I've just been entering payment all day, and listening to Sonic Youth on my headphones. music makes work SO MUCH MORE PLEASANT. I can tune people out that i want and I can be energized from the music. Damn, I feel really dazed right now...myabe I shouldn't have taken that valerian capsule an hour before I just popped this klonopin...better spaced out and drowsy then feeling nervous, on edge, panickty, etc. Jason is going out to his parents this after noon (he got sent home from work this morning cuz there wasn't enough work to go around)...his brother and child (Zane) just flew in from Boston yesterday, I think. I think it'll boost his spirits to see his brother. We both have been so down lately. I feel better today. Maybe it's because my whole bus ride to work I was chanting in my head the words "I'm going to have a good day today"..it actually seemed to work. I am having a good day..and the sun in shining (its been cloudy and cold here the past couple of days). Well, I wonder what fun thing I can do since I'll be spending the evening alone tonight. I think I'll rent some movies..movies, movies, movies. I should rent some comedies..I need to laugh more. I really am convinced that people that laugh all the time probably live longer than those that don't. It is the BEST medicine. Just ask my friend, Tap. I have a feeling she falls on the floor, rolling with laughter quite often. I admire this about her. Speaking of Tap. It is her Birthday today..Happy Birthday Tap, if you are reading this!! I love you! You rock, dude! I hope you get your favorite kinda dessert, since I know you love cakes, etc. I need to find out what kind os desserts are your fave at the moment. I really want some rhubarb pie..yummers!! Damn, I feel HIGh from this klonopin. I hope noone at work notices. I think I cover my ass well when under the influence of psychotropic drugs, though (except LSD..I am a FOOL on LSD...someone should have slapped me way back in the day..someone should have told me to NEVER take it)..I swear my brain has been on a slow freakout ever since that first hit of acid at 17. I really believe it brought out these panic problems I have suffered from every since. It is powerful (and potentially amazing) stuff but oh so dangerous with the wrong type of mind!! Definetly not something to use like alcohol on the weekends...that is what I think anyway. I wonder what it'd be like to have taken acid w/Tap. I think she'd be really entertaining. Or maybe she would have scared the shit outta me cuz everything/everybody else did (except Nestra..we were trip pals, acid babysitters)..I remember walking up the stairs from the basement in the student union in Champaign, dosed outta my mind..having that terrible confusion that my bladder goes through: "Do I have to pee? I think I do..but I can't tell!" I remember walking up those steps and there were video games down there that made alot of electronic noises..just normal noises..but on acid, one of those arcade games made the sound of Satan laughing. Then there was the tripping in Carbondale with a cool girl and a guy I thought I wanted to lose my virginity to, thank god I wised up..he was bad news, I think. I was tripping with those three, and we eneded up in the woods around Thompson lake where my dorm was and I had NO IDEA where I was. I could have been in the Amazon, as aware as I was. I saw a devil sitting on a tree. What a catholic guilt, full-blown hallucination. It was an evil little impish devil. Then I had these internal dialogues with myself (only I kept uttering them aloud) about how terrible I was, How much of a bitch I was...it was so strange. I have no idea or memory of anyone reawcting to these statements, etc. Anyways...I can't type anymore..All my trips seem to have heaven and hell elements...how strange, but so natural for me, in retrospect. Maybe I'll write another entry about past acid experiences. I love hearing other people's stories too..I should ask Tap to tell me some more of hers..I remember watching Brazil with her at her mom's house. We were kinda high and I just couldn't get into or follow the movie..I was SO CONFUSEd. I wonder if she remembers that. Tap, do you remember?? I guess this is the acid and Tap diary entry!!